This is one of my favorites...with the right audience
Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."
The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up."
There’s three sisters named Flower Feather and Piano.
first girl goes to her mom and asks, “Mommy, why did you name me flower?”
Mom says, “when you were a baby, I was holding you in my arms and a flower petal floating in the breeze landed right on your head. So, we named you flower”
second daughter asks, “Mommy why did you name me Feather?”
Mom says, “well, when you were a baby, I was holding you in my arms and a feather floating in the breeze landed right on your head. So, we named you Feather”
third daughter comes up to her mom and asks, “UUNNGGAARRRGHHUUURR”
These two. Oh my God. I was downstairs alone laughing uncontrollably last night for a good ten minutes. I went to bed and woke up the GF trying to stifle laughter.
I could never be a stand up comedian, when something (usually something so, so, so stupid) hits me the right way I’m done, can’t even speak. Tried telling the GF the three girls joke ten minutes ago and couldn’t get through the first girl.
I have these saved for our reunion, will be a huge hit. I just have to figure out the right person to tell them ‘cause I’ll never make it