This Is The Thread Where I Fix Problems

bergs

Full House
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
4,727
Reaction score
5,923
Location
Gilbert, Arizona
I've been dispensing copious amounts of advice to people in my life lately and I think it's really turned out well and I've helped some people. I'd like to do the same for my online friends here at PCF.

This is the thread where you post a problem that you have and I tell you how to solve the problem.

(In before Jbutler posts "My problem is arrogant asswipes posting threads about fixing other people's problems".)
 

ChipTalker

Straight
Joined
Nov 6, 2014
Messages
799
Reaction score
878
Location
USA
lucy-advice-booth.jpg
 

jbutler

Royal Flush
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
10,669
Reaction score
10,635
Dear Berghouse Forum,

I never thought it would happen to me. I made it an entire year without buying my wife flowers, which I last gave her on Valentine's Day 2014. I try to be an attentive and caring partner, but flowers were something that I never quite grasped as a gift despite the fact that I know my wife enjoys receiving them.

The question, then: do I go the traditional flower route tomorrow because I know she likes them despite the risk that it might also draw her attention to the fact that the last time I gave her flowers was...a year ago on Valentine's day? Or do I go for something a bit more personal and specific, but make a note for myself to send her flowers in a few weeks when she's not expecting them.

Signed,
Counting Flowers On The Wall
 

Chippy McChiperson

4 of a Kind
Joined
Nov 2, 2014
Messages
5,881
Reaction score
9,977
Location
Halethorpe, Md
Not Bergs, but she's a woman so she probably has it noted in her head the last time you bought her flowers. You may be better off getting them for her now, so she can't say it's been over a year since you got me flowers. Trust me she knows.

(source - single guy in his 40s)
 

manamongkids

Full House
Joined
Feb 25, 2014
Messages
4,401
Reaction score
3,493
Location
Usa
Dear Berghouse Forum,

I never thought it would happen to me. I made it an entire year without buying my wife flowers, which I last gave her on Valentine's Day 2014. I try to be an attentive and caring partner, but flowers were something that I never quite grasped as a gift despite the fact that I know my wife enjoys receiving them.

The question, then: do I go the traditional flower route tomorrow because I know she likes them despite the risk that it might also draw her attention to the fact that the last time I gave her flowers was...a year ago on Valentine's day? Or do I go for something a bit more personal and specific, but make a note for myself to send her flowers in a few weeks when she's not expecting them.

Signed,
Counting Flowers On The Wall

go with something more personal, may I suggest this? http://www.bustle.com/articles/6337...nt-even-know-what-to-do-with-that-information

youre welcome
 

Racer96

Flush
Joined
Aug 12, 2013
Messages
1,354
Reaction score
2,142
Location
Canada
I like to play poker at people's houses who are getting ready to sell. I then like to drink a lot and spill equal amounts on the floor to give it that nice lived in look. I'm having difficulties finding a game. When are you selling your place. I mean, when can I come play?

Mike
 

Mr Tree

Straight Flush
Joined
Oct 29, 2014
Messages
8,090
Reaction score
12,734
Location
Roswell, GA
I like to play poker at people's houses who are getting ready to sell. I then like to drink a lot and spill equal amounts on the floor to give it that nice lived in look. I'm having difficulties finding a game. When are you selling your place. I mean, when can I come play?

Mike

I plan to be in this house for twenty years Mike...come on down.
 

jbutler

Royal Flush
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
10,669
Reaction score
10,635
problem #2 from me: a guy posted a thread wherein he purports to fix problems, but has evidently forgotten about the thread. i phoned lisa ortolani, but she is unable to locate OP and claims to be too busy in her political campaigning to look for him any longer. i have nowhere else to turn.

GZTIsg0.gif
 

bergs

Full House
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
4,727
Reaction score
5,923
Location
Gilbert, Arizona
Dear Berghouse Forum,

I never thought it would happen to me. I made it an entire year without buying my wife flowers, which I last gave her on Valentine's Day 2014. I try to be an attentive and caring partner, but flowers were something that I never quite grasped as a gift despite the fact that I know my wife enjoys receiving them.

The question, then: do I go the traditional flower route tomorrow because I know she likes them despite the risk that it might also draw her attention to the fact that the last time I gave her flowers was...a year ago on Valentine's day? Or do I go for something a bit more personal and specific, but make a note for myself to send her flowers in a few weeks when she's not expecting them.

Signed,
Counting Flowers On The Wall

Dear Flower Fucker:

The easy answer here is to get her flowers every 6 months, plus or minus one month as determined by the roll of a 4 sided die. I suspect that you don't have play Dungeons and Dragons because you have a sexual relationship with another live human being, which further invalidates any chance that you have a 4 sided die. You could to a hobby store and buy a 4 sided die, but there are two problems with this - number one, you'll be on a Federal watch list, and number two, it's not going to help your current predicament.

You need to find a way to give her flowers, twice, on the same day, and at the same time acknowledge that you've been a degenerative partner and terrible husband and haven't shown your undying affection for her through other material means.

Here's what you're gonna do - it's a 3 step plan:

1) Give her a dozen red roses with a vase and all that other happy horseshit. Just tell the floral people to do the needful, they'll hook you up.
2) Get an extra rose - MAKE SURE YOU GET THE THORNS REMOVED - trust me on this. It's vital to step #3
3) Stuff the other rose down your pants and about an hour after you give her the dozen roses, drop your drawers and loudly exclaim "I GOT YOU ROSES AGAIN!"

This will ensure that she knows you care about her enough to get her roses on more than one occasion. It also has the happy circumstance of being truly unforgettable. The ancillary benefit is that you're not getting laid until August 2016, which means more time to go play in your regular 2/4 LHE game at the Borg, you fucking nittard.

Your pal,

A Thorn By Any Other Name

- - - - - - - - - Updated - - - - - - - - -

Not Bergs, but she's a woman so she probably has it noted in her head the last time you bought her flowers. You may be better off getting them for her now, so she can't say it's been over a year since you got me flowers. Trust me she knows.

(source - single guy in his 40s)

Don't take advice regarding flowers from a guy named "Chippy". Also, never take any advice from a guy who's first name also appears in his last name. Anyone named "Chippy McChiperson' hasn't had sex since the Carter administration.
 

jbutler

Royal Flush
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
10,669
Reaction score
10,635
can i rescind my "like"? i hadn't gotten to the $2/4 LHE part when i committed to the click.
 

bergs

Full House
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
4,727
Reaction score
5,923
Location
Gilbert, Arizona
When is it good to 4 bet preflop with 35os, aside from knowing its Chickens favorite hand?

This is serious poker advice. I'm not kidding here.

The only right time to 4 bet 35o is when you're situation meets all of the following characteristics:

1) There are 7 field callers in front of you - if you smash the flop you don't want to be heads-up and lose the other player with a modest lead post-flop.
2) At least 6 of the other players are better than you - if you smash the flop you want to make it look like you're overplaying QQ or JJ because you're intimidated by your competition
3) You're very, very deep - you really want to get paid off when you connect with the flop.

For example - on a KT5sss flop when you're holding red 53...you're jamming there. You connected with the flop and you want people with middle or top pair to call so you can scoop them when you spike a 3 on the river. Also, you want made flushes to call because if you go runner-runner 53, you're totally getting all of their chips.

P.S. It helps a lot if you only do this from the small blind or big blind so that you're guaranteed first in vigorish. That bullshit about position applies to games like PLO and Go Fish. If you really want position, you want to be first, not last. Who wants to be last at anything? That's dumb fucking advice. Be first, play this from the blinds, jam any flop. Post pictures of your stacks after you felt the rest of the players.

Your buddy,

Jam McJamerson
 

detroitdad

Royal Flush
Joined
Nov 6, 2014
Messages
27,636
Reaction score
40,962
Location
Michigan
I have two adult daughters (20 and 25). I would like them to make better boyfriend decisions. Please tell me how to fix this.
 

bergs

Full House
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
4,727
Reaction score
5,923
Location
Gilbert, Arizona
i have ample ginger ale and ice but am dangerously low on crown. halp?

Wow.

Just wow.

Not only do you misspell "help" with the wrong vowel, but you've successfully stocked up on ginger ale and ice, but forgotten the booze. Is it that hard to stock up on ice. Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick, I live in the Northeast and I have ice on my roof. And the side of the house. And in my driveway. My house is like the fucking Ross Ice Shelf. But you've got ice. Well, congratufuckinglations on that accomplishment.

And ginger ale? Ginger ale (by itself) is something only consumed when someone is massively hungover. I mean, it's fine to have a year's supply of ginger ale and crackers if you like to throw them back with authority...but first you have to get drunk, and you're apparently too inept to realize that you need to PURCHASE ALCOHOL IN ORDER TO GET FUCKED UP.

I think you might be beyond help, but I'm gonna try anyway. This is really tilting at windmills here, but let's see if we can straighten you out.

Here's what you're gonna do. MAKE SURE YOU DO THIS IN ORDER. If you mix it up, I'm not responsible for whatever fucked up predicament you find yourself in.

Step 1: Drive to downtown St. Louis.
Step 2: Hold a hundred dollar bill out the window
Step 3: When the nice man comes to your window and ask what you need, tell him you want the "H". Just trust me on this.
Step 4: Inject whatever he gives you into your femoral artery
Step 5: There is no step 5. Well, there is, but you're not really gonna care after step 4.

If you do this wrong, you'll end up in a bathtub in a Motel 6 in rural Missouri with your kidneys farmed. Actually, that might happen either way. But just rest in peace knowing that your harvested organs are going to the greater good. Some 85 year old Stud/8 player is going to get your kidney. It's for the best.

Your best friend ever,

Captain Morgan
 

KingZilla

Two Pair
Joined
Jan 10, 2014
Messages
406
Reaction score
74
Location
Louisiana
Advice? Perhaps some of us need "Dirty Deeds.... Done Dirt Cheap" Let me know when you open that thread. :)
 

bergs

Full House
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
4,727
Reaction score
5,923
Location
Gilbert, Arizona
I like to play poker at people's houses who are getting ready to sell. I then like to drink a lot and spill equal amounts on the floor to give it that nice lived in look. I'm having difficulties finding a game. When are you selling your place. I mean, when can I come play?

Mike

Dear Dickwad,

Last year I hosted a game with 2 full tables. We had BBQ downstairs. Halfway through the game, right when the BBQ came out, my 9 year old half-crippled, fat, mostly deaf, and probably partially retarded bulldog ambled downstairs. He walked around, checked out the situation, and then decided to take a massive dump right in front of the BBQ table.

Did this stop people from playing? No.
Did this stop people from eating? Fuck no.
Did anyone really care at all that an animal half their size came downstairs and defecated while they were inhaling pork feet or whatever the hell I was serving that night at $1.25/lb? Helll no.

Come over and spill whatever you want. I don't give a flying shit. Just understand this. You need $1K to play at my game and you're sitting in between me and a fucked-up Guinness who is overplaying 35o out of the blinds and is half out of his mind. Also, he's wearing a flannel shirt and won't shut up. And we're quintruple straddling and 9-betting every hand preflop.

Also, when you go upstairs, walk around the right side of the table. Trust me on this. There's some shit you don't want to see on the left hand side of the table. I'm serious.

Warmest Regards,

Stan the Shitcan Man
 

KingZilla

Two Pair
Joined
Jan 10, 2014
Messages
406
Reaction score
74
Location
Louisiana
Well, maybe could use some advice here. How do I get rich quick in real estate by using "other people's money" with no credit, and no down payment? This could end up being one of the funniest threads evar.
 

bergs

Full House
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
4,727
Reaction score
5,923
Location
Gilbert, Arizona
I don't know much about ice dams. Can you help me understand the damn ice?

Dear O'Shea Jackson,

An "ice damn" is when you overplay 35o out of the blinds and you get 5 bet, so you 6-bet jam as a Level 7 move, but you don't realize that the guy you're playing against is like Level 9 and shit, so you're behind but you're behind to 36o when you both get it all in for 6500bb. So the flop comes out JKQsss and you're like OK, that's cool because I have the 5s and the Level 9 fucking super-magi you're playing against doesn't have a black card in his hand and then the red deuce comes on the turn and you're like "whatever dude, I'm totally winning or at worst chopping" and you're fantasizing about all of his chips in your stack and you're like totally the mack fucking daddy but then the red 4 comes on the river and Raistlin across the friggin' table from you is like "6 plays biatch, totally ship it" and you start to complain but you're dazzled by his rocks and you decide "you know what, fuck this, I'm going back to the room and totally jerking off to channel 77 on pay per view"' and that's when this guys smiles and says "Yo, you got froze".

Sorry, you got froze.

Your bestest pal forever,

teddy-monroe-pointing-300x225.jpg
 
Last edited:

bergs

Full House
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
4,727
Reaction score
5,923
Location
Gilbert, Arizona
problem #2 from me: a guy posted a thread wherein he purports to fix problems, but has evidently forgotten about the thread. i phoned lisa ortolani, but she is unable to locate OP and claims to be too busy in her political campaigning to look for him any longer. i have nowhere else to turn.

GZTIsg0.gif

Dear Mrs. New Jersey,

For an ostensibly accomplished attorney, you're pretty fucking stupid. There isn't a single question in your statement above. Please don't use my forum to post your weird outlandish political bullshit. Nobody cares about your political views. I'm dispensing valuable advice here. I'm making today a changing day in people's lives. Awareness without action is worthless. You don't need a pack of wild horses to learn how to make a sandwich. It's hard to see your own face without a mirror. Sometimes you just gotta give yourself what you wish someone else would give you.

Also, Chris Christie is 15 minutes from mistaking your state for a chocolate covered donut and eating the entire thing anyway.

Cliff notes: Ask me a question, fucktard.

Love and Kisses,

Phil McGraw

- - - - - - - - - Updated - - - - - - - - -

I play at a game with lagtards so laggy that my only defense is to be a nit. How do I shed my nitty image?

Dear Nitwadius Maximus:

I can definitely help you. I have the advantage of having played with you before. You probably don't remember because you were too busy discussing the 78 foot worm that lived inside your intestine for 2 months, but I was paying attention, and I have an idea.

Your problem can be easily fixed. Here's what you need to do to start giving the impression that you're mixing up your game and playing loose and fast like the rest of the guys:

1) Don't bring 8 day old tuna sandwiches to a poker game. Just trust me on this. Infected other players with airborne salmonella is not the way to open up your game, unless you want to play HU with a person with a strong immune system and no sense of smell.

2) Stop bringing your own water to games. It makes people think that you're too cheap to ask them to drink their water. I like the preparedness, but you look like a Boy Scout. Boy Scouts don't jam draws.

3) Bring lots of money to the game. Tons of money. And make sure you buy in with all of it. For a typical .25/.50 game, $15,000 oughta do it.

4) Jam everything blind for the first 4 hours. And drink a lot. Keg stands are compulsory.

I'm pretty sure that if you follow all of my recommendations here, nobody will think you're a nit. Now, in the interest of openness, there is a pretty good chance that after 4 or 5 sessions you'll end up confirmed busto and living behind the Burger King in Salem, New Hampshire accompanied only by your pet groundhog "Harvey". But that's OK. Just think of all the free burgers you're going to get out of the trash at about 11:05pm every night.

Good luck!

P.S. If you get low on funds, let me know and I'll totally paypal you.

- Doug "Toolbox" Lee

- - - - - - - - - Updated - - - - - - - - -

red 4 red4 red 4.

Not red 5.

Damnit bergs.

Mike

I meant red 4, not a red 5. Sorry. I was busy reading jbutler's post trying to figure out where dickhead was asking was a question.

Your best buddy,

Major Richard Cranium, USN

- - - - - - - - - Updated - - - - - - - - -

can i rescind my "like"? i hadn't gotten to the $2/4 LHE part when i committed to the click.

Dear Premature Eclickator:

No, you can't rescind a "like". I mean, I couldn't give two flying shits about what you think for a myriad of reasons that I can't even begin to delve into here, but that's not the point.

My point is this - why are you prematurely liking?

I mean, shit dude, if you need to go to the doctor and get that shit cleaned up than man up and do what you gotta do, but don't just throw it out there on the internet that you prematurely like. Jesus, talk about inviting abuse. I understand that some of this stuff is physiological and can't be helped, but you just sorta threw that out there, and I'm not sure that people are going to treat you the same now that they know you're a premature liker.

Cliffs: No, read the entire post.

P.S. I redid your avatar for you. Consider this a gift from someone that has everything to someone with a 1st grade education who is fond of pointing and grunting at things he wants like a 4 year old in the Toys section at Wal-Mart.

butler.png

Your penpal,

Justice Alfred Moore
 

Chippy McChiperson

4 of a Kind
Joined
Nov 2, 2014
Messages
5,881
Reaction score
9,977
Location
Halethorpe, Md
Real life problem. I signed up for the PLOSAY free roll, but it looks like I'm surrounded by people who eat hockey pucks drowned in maple syrup for breakfast. Do you know any degens from the good ole U S of freakin A who might want to fill in the last couple of slots?
 

bergs

Full House
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
4,727
Reaction score
5,923
Location
Gilbert, Arizona
I have two adult daughters (20 and 25). I would like them to make better boyfriend decisions. Please tell me how to fix this.

Dear Eminem:

You've really got two choices. You can shoot the daughters, or you can shoot the boyfriends. The problem with shooting the boyfriends is that you'll probably have to keep doing it for awhile, and after both daughters have dated like 8 or 9 guys each and they've shown up on the evening news, they're probably going to come to the realization that overprotective Dad is busting a cap in their asses.

I'm not going to advocate shooting the daughters. It might be easier to shoot yourself, but that's also messy and usually invalidates insurance claims. There's a third option - it's a bit of the long-range plan, but this works, trust me.

Step 1: Study to become a ship's captain.
Step 2: Acquire a small freighter flying the flag of a nation that can't possibly defend itself
Step 3: Wander very close to the coast of Somalia

There is no step 4. Some dude that weighs 87 pounds and has been chomping on khat for the last 35 days is going to heave-ho your ass into the Somalian Sea, and you're bloated corpse will wash up somewhere in Kenya a few weeks later. The upside is that you won't care at all about who your daughters are dating at that point.

Best of luck!

-Richard Phillips

- - - - - - - - - Updated - - - - - - - - -

Real life problem. I signed up for the PLOSAY free roll, but it looks like I'm surrounded by people who eat hockey pucks drowned in maple syrup for breakfast. Do you know any degens from the good ole U S of freakin A who might want to fill in the last couple of slots?

Dear Jim Craig,

I'm assuming that you're referring to the people that I charitably refer to as "Canucks". I think it's a moral imperative to ensure that stupid Canadians don't beat us at anything except hockey, which isn't fair anyway because they have a hockey stick entwined in their DNA. Honestly, would anyone miss the State of Canada if it were wiped off the face of the planet? OK, that sounds horrible, but let's look at this realistically...if aliens invaded the Earth and said "we require your natural resources", is there any reason why the UN wouldn't be like "fuck it, your green ass can have Canada"? Canada is full of soil and ice and rocks and trees and shit. Most of the people there have been drunk since they were 14 years old. Shit, the British Empire was crumbling like a piece of overcooked toast, but they took one glance at Canada and said "OK, fine, go fuck yourselves, do whatever you want". Keep in mind that England is a country that went to war with Argentina over a bunch of small islands called the "Falklands". I can't name one thing that has ever come out of the Falklands. Not a single fucking thing. But England thought the Falklands were more important than Canada. Jesus Christ...England fought a battle with the Scottish over their own independence, and the Scots haven't seen the Sun in 4 millennia. They wear kilts. They consider a cow's stomach with the cow's organs boiled within to be a "delicacy". These fuckers have never heard of Ruth Chris' Steakhouse. But there the Brits are, fighting the Scots for Scotland, and giving stupid Canada a lick and a promise.

Fuck Canada.

Fuck Canada with Guy Lafleur's dick.

Just win the tournament and tell me about it afterwards.

Your benefactor and number one fan,

- Gordie Goddamn Howe
 

Mr. Cheese

Full House
Joined
Aug 8, 2013
Messages
4,572
Reaction score
3,017
Location
US
Dear provider of real world wisdom,

Tell me how to win the lottery. Not those cheap 2 million dollar ones but the big 500+ million dollar ones and not just one of them... all of them!

The end
 

gpc

Pair
Joined
Nov 6, 2014
Messages
240
Reaction score
390
Location
Cleveland
Why are the Cleveland Browns more entertaining in the off season? Ray Farmer is going to have draft picks taken away, Josh Gordon is suspended for the whole year, Johnny Manziel is in Rehab and season ticket prices are increasing.

Also since when did it become acceptable to chew with ones mouth open?
 

bergs

Full House
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
4,727
Reaction score
5,923
Location
Gilbert, Arizona
Dear provider of real world wisdom,

Tell me how to win the lottery. Not those cheap 2 million dollar ones but the big 500+ million dollar ones and not just one of them... all of them!

The end

Dear Lord of Lactose:

Before I answer your question (and there is an answer - I watched the relevant parts of Real Genius), I need to show you something. It's a fascinating, wondrous, captivating world called "mathematics". In "mathematics" people use logic and reason to create formulas and shit, and these are used to prove or disprove certain beliefs.

For example - you want to win a lottery. Excuse me, I stand corrected. Your unrealistic, over-optimistic cheese munching ass wants to "win all the lotteries". We can apply a simple mathematical formula to this to determine whether this is realistic, or whether you're just being a fucking moron.

Here's the relevant excerpt from Wikipedia, the fount of all human knowledge since the Dawn of Man:

Bayes’ Theorem, A Quick Introduction

We all know that the probability of a hypothesis being true often changes in
light of the evidence. Wouldn’t it be cool if math could help us show how it
works? Fortunately, math is cool enough to help out here thanks to something
called Bayes’ theorem. In this article I’ll introduce Bayes’ theorem and the
insights it gives about how evidence works. In my next blog entry I’ll show how
Bayes’ theorem can be applied in the service of theism.

One Form of Bayes’ Theorem

Bayes’ theorem is often used to mathematically show the probability of some hypothesis changes in light of new evidence. Bayes’
theorem is named after Reverend Thomas Bayes, an ordained Christian minister and mathematician, who presented the theorem in 1764 in his Essay towards
solving a problem in the doctrine of chances
. Before showing what the theorem is, I’ll recap some basic probability symbolism.


Pr(A) =
The probability of A being true; e.g. Pr(A) = 0.5 means “The probability of
A being true is 50%.”
Pr(A|B) =

The probability of A being true given that B is true. For example:
Pr(I am wet|It is raining) = 0.8​
This means “The
probability that I am wet given that it is raining is 80%.”
Pr(¬A) =
The probability of A being being false (¬A is read as “not-A”); e.g.
Pr(¬A) = 0.5 means “The probability of A being false is 50%.”
Pr(B ∪ C) =
The probability that B or C (or both) are true.
Pr(B ∩ C) =
The probability that B and C are both true.
Pr(A|B ∩ C) =
The probability of A given that both B and C are
true.


Some alternate forms:


One Version
Alternate Forms
Pr(A)
P(A)
Pr(¬A)
Pr(~A), Pr(−A), Pr(A[SUP]C[/SUP])
Pr(B ∪ C)
Pr(A ∨ B)
Pr(B ∩ C)
Pr(B ∧ C), Pr(B&C)
Pr(A|B)
Pr(A/B)


The alternate forms can be combined, e.g. an alternate form of Pr(H|E) is P(H/E).

Bayes’ theorem comes in a number of varieties, but here’s one of the simpler ones where
H is the hypothesis and E is the evidence:

In the situation where hypothesis H explains evidence E, Pr(E|H)
basically becomes a measure of the hypothesis’s explanatory power. Pr(H|E) is called the posterior
probability
of H. Pr(H) is the prior probability of H, and Pr(E)
is the prior probability of the evidence (very roughly, a measure of how
surprising it is that we’d find the evidence). Prior probabilities are
probabilities relative to background knowledge, e.g. Pr(E) is the likelihood
that we’d find evidence E relative to our background knowledge.
Background knowledge is actually used throughout Bayes’ theorem however, so we
could view the theorem this way where B is our background knowledge:
Pr(H|E&B) =

Pr(H|B) × Pr(E|H&B)
Pr(E|B)



So what does tell us?

It tells us that people who are really, fantastically, unbelievably smart can't figure out how to win the lottery even once, never mind every time. Do you know how I figured this out? Do you think I understand Bayes Theorem? Fuck no, I can't even do pot odds. I know smart people can't figure out how to win the lottery even once because if they could THEY WOULD BE ON A GODDAMN BEACH SOMEWHERE BANGING THAT BIG BOOBED CHICK FROM THE GAME OF WAR ADS WITH A FRUITY DRINK IN A COCONUT IN THEIR HANDS AND NOT SOMEWHERE IN A ROOM ILLUMINATED WITH ONE DIM LIGHTBULB TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE WEIRDO FROM A PERFECT MIND WAS WRITING ON THE GODDAMN WINDOW BEFORE HE SHOVED HIS DESK OUT INTO THE QUAD AND STARTED IMAGINING SHIT.

Think about. If I could win the goddamn lottery, would I be dispensing free (albeit invaluable) information on a cheap knockoff of ChipTalk?

I don't expect you to understand any of this. You're from Minn-e-zota, the land that forgot sun and the consonant 'S'. Just try to keep up and don't mention the Vikings, OK, champ?

Wearily,

Edward Teller

- - - - - - - - - Updated - - - - - - - - -

Why are the Cleveland Browns more entertaining in the off season? Ray Farmer is going to have draft picks taken away, Josh Gordon is suspended for the whole year, Johnny Manziel is in Rehab and season ticket prices are increasing.

Also since when did it become acceptable to chew with ones mouth open?

Dear Forlorn One,

Firstly, let's get some housekeeping out of the way. Ask me one question at a time. Is this so goddamn hard? Jesus, Mary, and Ed...I've got the Communist from New Jersey asking me absolutely nothing and just making random statements comprised primarily of sentence fragments that eschewed punctuation, and then you trying to double up and get extra value from a double question single post.

I can understand the frustration you must feel. I can sense your overwhelming ire. You're a Cleveland fan. You probably go to bed at night thinking about Craig Ehlo crumpling to the ground after MJ hit the 18 footer. It's gotta be tough with your basketball team's major highlight focusing on the other team and being subject to a Gatorade commercial with legs. And your baseball team's most famous exports are Charlie Sheen and Albert Belle's shivering forearm. But you'll always have football. Good 'ole American football.

So let's get to question number one, and then out of the benevolence of my gracious heart, I'll also give you a succinct answer to question number two. Just don't pull this shit again, OK Knute Rockne?

Question #1: Why are the Cleveland Browns more entertaining in the off season? Ray Farmer is going to have draft picks taken away, Josh Gordon is suspended for the whole year, Johnny Manziel is in Rehab and season ticket prices are increasing.

You're making the dangerous assumption that the Cleveland Browns are entertaining in any season. They're not, but let's entertain you for the moment and assume they are. Firstly, taking away Ray Farmer's draft picks is really a favor to Ray Farmer. I don't even know who Ray Farmer is. I'll assume he's not Kevin Costner's character in the "The Draft" and that he's, you know, a live human being who purports to be the Cleveland Browns General Manager. Do you really want to hear the commissioner say "With the most useless pick in the 2015 NFL draft, the Cleveland (choking back laughter) Browns select....."? Do you really want him to end that sentence? Do you want to hear the sound of your GM bending over and taking one right in the cornhole? That's basically what's going to happen. Just be happy that the Browns have less exposure to massive embarrassment on ESPN. Honestly, it's best if your franchise just moves to Los Angeles and calls themselves the "Mastadons".

Josh Gordon and Johnny Manziel are in the wrong business. Can you imagine if there was a Professional Beer Pong League (BPL)? These guys would be THE BEST OF ALL FUCKING TIME! There would be nobody better, ever. It's like MJ and LeBron playing on the same team. Like Gehrig and Ruth (wait, that actually happened). Like Montana and Brady (OK, that makes no sense because they're both quarterbacks - whatfuckingever). They would be UNSTOPPABLE.

Unfortunately, these fucktards play football. Josh Gordon can't keep the bong out of his mouth and Johnny Football is the biggest bust since Ryan Leaf (who was incidentally just incarcerated, again).

I don't have a lot of advice for you, except these 3 options:

1) Kill yourself.
2) Volunteer as DetroitDad's First Mate on his cruise to the east of Africa
3) Become a Cubs fan. Then kill yourself.

Regarding your second question:

Also since when did it become acceptable to chew with ones mouth open?,

I've found it that it largely depends on the situation. If I was 6'6", weighed 325 lbs, and had a body fat of 4%, I'd pretty much take a shit on your face and there isn't much that you can do about it. Be happy that it's just chewing and get over it. You can always do what I do and stare uncomfortably at the menu while wondering how many beers you're going to get down before your significant other says "Isn't 14 enough for dinner?"

Regretfully,

- Brandon Weeden's Brandon Weeden Face

weeden.jpg


- - - - - - - - - Updated - - - - - - - - -

Advice? Perhaps some of us need "Dirty Deeds.... Done Dirt Cheap" Let me know when you open that thread. :)

Thank for your writing King Zilla. I'm in a serious relationship at the moment, and am unfortunately not interested in your overt sexual advances, but let me know if you turn into that chick with the big boobs that's banging Justin Verlander.

Best wishes,

- A Guy That Wishes He Was Justin Verlander for 18 Minutes
 

courage

Full House
Joined
Oct 29, 2014
Messages
4,260
Reaction score
6,571
Dear Fixer,

The NCAA men's basketball tournament starts in a month. I'd really like Louisville to win it all. Please fix.

kthxbye
 

jbutler

Royal Flush
Joined
Oct 28, 2014
Messages
10,669
Reaction score
10,635
Canada is full of soil and ice and rocks and trees and shit. Most of the people there have been drunk since they were 14 years old. Shit, the British Empire was crumbling like a piece of overcooked toast, but they took one glance at Canada and said "OK, fine, go fuck yourselves, do whatever you want". Keep in mind that England is a country that went to war with Argentina over a bunch of small islands called the "Falklands". I can't name one thing that has ever come out of the Falklands. Not a single fucking thing. But England thought the Falklands were more important than Canada. Jesus Christ...England fought a battle with the Scottish over their own independence, and the Scots haven't seen the Sun in 4 millennia. They wear kilts. They consider a cow's stomach with the cow's organs boiled within to be a "delicacy". These fuckers have never heard of Ruth Chris' Steakhouse. But there the Brits are, fighting the Scots for Scotland, and giving stupid Canada a lick and promise.

omg literally crying on the stationary bike at the gym reading this
 
Top Bottom