This Is The Thread Where I Fix Problems (1 Viewer)

[detroitdad]

Very funny that you mention Galaxy Quest. I just introduced it to my son. Instead of Sci Fi we ended up watching Raid 2 of which I highly recommend.

Technically I'm not from detroit. Detroitdad sounds better than ypsilantidad.

 

[bergs]

Very funny that you mention Galaxy Quest. I just introduced it to my son. Instead of Sci Fi we ended up watching Raid 2 of which I highly recommend.

Technically I'm not from detroit. Detroitdad sounds better than ypsilantidad.

Either your son has a really weird name, or you're writing in some sort of foreign dialect.

ENGLISH ONLY IN THE ADVICE FORUM!

Thank you in advance for your compliance,

- Teddy Roosevelt

 

[courage]

Dear bergoo,

Last nite at 'shoe while dominating the Valentine's Day tourney I got an ass massage from the hottest woman in the world.

How can I persuade her to work DCS5?

*retracted. Wrong thread obv. I got this.

 

[bergs]

Dear bergoo,

Last nite at 'shoe while dominating the Valentine's Day tourney I got an ass massage from the hottest woman in the world.

How can I persuade her to work DCS5?

*retracted. Wrong thread obv. I got this.

Dear Delusional Don Juan:

Tell her that a stud from the Northeast will be there in a Cowboys jersey. Trust me, she'll be there.

Lustily,

- Tony Romo

 

[iBetOnEverything]

Bergasoreass Rex,

I'm getting ready to go shovel but I'm worried about my beers getting froze outside, so I decided to just bring a handle of Smirnoff outside with me. Will I ever grow up?

 

[Mojo1312]

Dear infallible Bergs,

Is it true that global warming is man made, like the peanut butter and jam sandwiches my mother use to make me?

Sincerely, Can't fool you.

 

[bergs]

Bergasoreass Rex,

I'm getting ready to go shovel but I'm worried about my beers getting froze outside, so I decided to just bring a handle of Smirnoff outside with me. Will I ever grow up?

Dear Wonderful,

So let me get this straight - you were going to go outside and shovel with beers, but you realized that the alcohol content in beer was too low to effectively prevent freezing, so you decided to bring vodka outside with you, knowing that the freezing temperature of vodka is very low because of the high alcoholic content within?

I think that was a very responsible and adult decision not to waste alcohol.

You're the most mature person I know, and I admire you a great deal.

Your biggest fan,

- Billy Carter

 

[grandgnu]

To He Who Shall Not Be Named:

My toast was burnt this morning, should I blame Obama or God?

p.s. I'm American so it's always someone elses fault

 

[bergs]

Dear infallible Bergs,

Is it true that global warming is man made, like the peanut butter and jam sandwiches my mother use to make me?

Sincerely, Can't fool you.

Dear Van the Anti-Vaxxer,

What the fuck do you care? You live in Maine. The last things on Earth that will survive the inevitable acid rain and hypercanes will be cockroaches, moose, and sadly, you.

(Sigh)

Since you asked, I am predisposed to answer, so here goes.

Global warning isn't "man-made". It's not like NORAD can flick a switch and BANG, no more El Niño.

But science has clearly demonstrated that activities of man, writ large, can materially affect the atmospheric conditions upon which our fair planet's climate is predicated.

So, in essence, yes, climate change is fundamentally affected by man.

As for the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches that your mom makes, I suppose it's easy as you just need to go upstairs, given that you've lived in your mom's basement since inception.

Inventively yours,

Al Gore

 

[bergs]

To He Who Shall Not Be Named:

My toast was burnt this morning, should I blame Obama or God?

p.s. I'm American so it's always someone elses fault

Dear Culinary Disaster,

Pray that you have someone else to blame. If you can't make toast, just kill yourself.

Rewardingly yours,

- Anthony Disdain

 

[Ben]

Dear Bergy,

I recently bought a house in the middle of BFE. There are these 2 wild cats that live under the back porch (plus a third cat that wanders in occasionally only when confirmed busto looking for a few scraps of food.) I am not a fan of cats seeing as I am violently allergic to them, but apparently when you live in BFE having cats around to keep mice and other small rodents away is a good thing, and they live outside, so hey what the hell right?

Well, it seems that one of said familial felines just spawned several kittens, and she is quite protective of them - who would have thought? Now I'm spending a fortune on cat food, and I am told that bludgeoning kittens is frowned upon in polite society. What do I do???

Sincerely,
Gone Catty

 

[bergs]

Dear Bergy,

I recently bought a house in the middle of BFE. There are these 2 wild cats that live under the back porch (plus a third cat that wanders in occasionally only when confirmed busto looking for a few scraps of food.) I am not a fan of cats seeing as I am violently allergic to them, but apparently when you live in BFE having cats around to keep mice and other small rodents away is a good thing, and they live outside, so hey what the hell right?

Well, it seems that one of said familial felines just spawned several kittens, and she is quite protective of them - who would have thought? Now I'm spending a fortune on cat food, and I am told that bludgeoning kittens is frowned upon in polite society. What do I do???

Sincerely,
Gone Catty

Dear Feline Fancier,

I had to look up "BFE". Apparently it stands for "Bum Fuck, Egypt". It can also stand for "Bacterial Filtration Efficiency" and "Big Fuckin' Enema", but I don't think that's what you're referring to when you say "...we moved".

So, you live in Bum Fuck, Egypt. First, let me congratulate you on your home purchase. Owning a home is a great accomplishment. Without real estate, you'd basically be a serf, and you'd thus be beholden to the regent in the local castle, as the castle offers you protection from the unwashed hordes to the (insert location here). You'd spend your days collecting cow dung or picking poppies or whatever the fuck Bum Fuck, Egypt's biggest export is. And on day in the future, probably not too far away, you'd catch something like dysentery or chorea and you'd drop dead. Given your height, it would be a great fall, so people would have to prepare and hopefully get out of your way, but you'd be stone dead nevertheless. Unless, of course, the castle has a 12th level Cleric that can resurrect on your ass and bring you back to life, because you were an outstanding poppy picker.

So anyway, you don't have to worry about that, because you're not a serf. No sir, you'd not beholden to anyone at all. You're on your land, in your home, and you are the master of your own 21st century castle. All you have to do is:

- Attend town meetings to ensure they don't exercise eminent domain or create a public easement on your property, in both cases taking varying portions of your land
- Make sure your town and state real estate tax payments are up to date or they'll take your land
- Make sure you pay the mortgage company or they'll take your land
- Make sure you pay your insurance company or they'll take your land
- Obey any town, municipal, county, state, or federal laws regarding your house and your land
- Make constant improvements to your home and property to avoid decay or damage due to any number of ecological or climatological causes

Other than basically have to work to pay off your house and keep your land, it's ALL YOURS BUDDY! CONGRATS!

Now, I know what you're thinking....Shit, I was better off in 13th century Europe living as a serf. But the 13th century serf didn't have access to pencillin or other antibiotics, and most of them died due to simple infectious diseases like smallpox and mumps and such. You know, basically all diseases that are making a comeback because some small minded religious zealots believe that immunizations will turn their children into vegetables. I got news for you, all you anti-vaxxers retards....X-Boxes and PlayStations are turning your already lazy and malcontent rugrats into vegetables....and you don't see anyone trying to inject your child with a "Madden 25" CD, do you?

So, in essence, you have it alot better now than 13th century serfs.

Sorry - re-reading this and realizing I haven't even scratched the surface of your question.

You can't bludgeon the kittens. Only monsters and non-immunized 13th century serfs that have turned into zombies because of a disease we cured 4 millennia ago will dare to bludgeon a kitten.

You also can't feed the littler fuckers. They're going to breed with other cats (probably their brethren), and they'll create more kittens, who will grow up and breed with other cats (also of relation) and so on and so forth. Incidentally, this is how the states of West Virginia, Kentucky, and Alabama were initially populated.

Anyway, you can't feed 'em either. Let Darwin take over - the strong will survive and forage to find food, and the meek weren't helping you kill mice anyway, and they'll perish. Let the natural order of things take hold and all will be fine.

P.S. Congrats on the house again, you mindless poor bastard serf.

With warm wishes for your new home,

- Ted Turner (owner, State of Montana)

 

[courage]

Dear Strateberg,

Last nite at casino 1/2 I had AdAh in MP and $470. Villain Mississippi straddled button for $12. SB, a solid reg at my home game made it $32. Folded to me, I 4bet to $95.

Folds to straddler villain who tanks. He covers. Had played many hours this session with him, mostly calling station but reads hands pretty well. Table had its share of donkeys and is action-packed. Villain asks why so much? (Running joke at table mocking donk who tanked and quizzed opponents every decision). I replied, blue light special, one time only. He calls. SB folds.

Flop Kc 5c Jd. I bet $100, villain shoves. I say I can't see folding and push chips in and ask if he has a set. Turn 7s, river Kh. Villain fist pumps, shouts Yes! and tables KsJs. Ok, I take back the part about his hand reading.

Do I kill villain, myself, or Bart Hanson?

 

[snooptodd]

Dear Bergatory,

As you are aware, I have children. Three of them in fact. Having not been a member of various poker chip forums prior to the birth of any of said children, I did not fully consider the timing of our family planning, and as a result, two of them (twins) have a birthday that coincides with the BBotB every year.

They turn 4 years old on March 20, and their birthday party will be held on Saturday, March 21. Which event do I choose? Please remember that I'd like to remain married at the end of the weekend and pay for as little therapy as possible for my kids down the road.

Sincerely,
Thomas Hobson

 

[bergs]

Dear Bergatory,

As you are aware, I have children. Three of them in fact. Having not been a member of various poker chip forums prior to the birth of any of said children, I did not fully consider the timing of our family planning, and as a result, two of them (twins) have a birthday that coincides with the BBotB every year.

They turn 4 years old on March 20, and their birthday party will be held on Saturday, March 21. Which event do I choose? Please remember that I'd like to remain married at the end of the weekend and pay for as little therapy as possible for my kids down the road.

Sincerely,
Thomas Hobson

Dear Tossin' Tommy,

Well, to be perfectly honest and blunt, you fucked this up 2 years ago. I mean, you could go back further than that and ask "Why did you have children? Didn't you realize that this would cut into your poker grind time?" I'm assuming that you needed to father children both to selfishly continue your blood line and for the traditional reason of scalable labor assistance. The former is patently silly, because I've met you, and you're about as far from royalty as one can get, and the later is patently stupid, because this isn't 13th century England, but I don't want to get back on my serfdom soapbox.

Nay, fair traveler, what you fucked up 2 years ago was simply this: LIE TO THE CHILDREN ABOUT THEIR BIRTHDAY! It's not like they can read and they're going to go digging into ancestry.com or look at their birth certificate. Having a child can be so chronologically inconvenient. You can't normally pick the day the little shits pop out - it could be someone else's birthday or Christmas Eve or some other important day...or it could be the most important days of all - it could be MARCH MADNESS DAYS.

I don't understand why parents don't look at a calendar and say to their little rugrats - "Hey, little Johnny Jerkoff, your birthday is February 20th". Why February 20th? BECAUSE THERE ISN'T A SINGLE WORTHWHILE FUCKING THING THAT HAPPENS IN FEBRUARY. Pick any day in February, who fucking cares?!? What are you going to miss? NFL is done. Baseball hasn't started yet. NBA doesn't matter yet. Hockey is just lol to begin with. NCAA basketball isn't even starting their conference tournaments yet. It's bitterly cold out (unless you live in the Western or Southern US, in which case go fuck yourself in the butthole with Pinocchio's nose.)

That's where you screwed up - you told the whiney bastards their real birthday, and now you're all jammed up with kids birthday parties and fucking bouncy houses when you should be drinking enough IPA that your liver quits, jamming flush draws, and pleading with Akron State to cover 21 against Kentucky.

So where does that leave us? It leaves us with this - and it's really your only viable option.

- Play at BBOTB Thursday and stay over.
- Play at BBOTB Friday night and don't go to sleep
- Drive home at the end of Friday night's (really, Saturday morning's) play
- You're going to be exhausted on Saturday chasing after screaming children, but this is your punishment, for you've really done this to yourself.

P.S. If that shit ends early on Saturday, you know where we are. This is why convenience stores carry those little 5 hour energy drinks. Buy 6 and get your ass to Mars.

Happily yours,

- Al Herpin

 

[bergs]

Dear Strateberg,

Last nite at casino 1/2 I had AdAh in MP and $470. Villain Mississippi straddled button for $12. SB, a solid reg at my home game made it $32. Folded to me, I 4bet to $95.

Folds to straddler villain who tanks. He covers. Had played many hours this session with him, mostly calling station but reads hands pretty well. Table had its share of donkeys and is action-packed. Villain asks why so much? (Running joke at table mocking donk who tanked and quizzed opponents every decision). I replied, blue light special, one time only. He calls. SB folds.

Flop Kc 5c Jd. I bet $100, villain shoves. I say I can't see folding and push chips in and ask if he has a set. Turn 7s, river Kh. Villain fist pumps, shouts Yes! and tables KsJs. Ok, I take back the part about his hand reading.

Do I kill villain, myself, or Bart Hanson?

Dear Gus Hansen,

This is the advice forum, not the poker strategy forum. What the fuck do I know about poker strategy? You've seen me play like a goddamn idiot. Go ask Doctor Strange your strategy questions so you can get his in-depth replies that would require you to bring a Cray Supercomputer to every poker game.

(Heavy Sigh).

OK, I'll give this a try.

Your pre-flop bet to $95 basically announced your hand as either KK or AA. The villain from Mississippi (I'm imagining two front teeth, unwashed for a week, and buckskin trousers with muddy boots) can call with any 2 cards and basically get your stack in if he makes 2 pair or a set.

The flop is draw-laden like a Sunday morning PBS show, so you have to bet. When the villain shoves, he's got the nuts and you're behind. I know this because he's a calling station and won't shove draws. Also, I know this because he's from Mississippi, where mathematics is viewed a mystical black art. Your only move is to fold.

You sadly called, and lost all of your chips, as you should've.

Kill yourself.

(Dungeon Master's Note: It is only permissible to kill Bart Hanson once, and you may only do so during your turn after having bet-folded on your previous turn. Bart Hanson may save versus Donks at +4, in which case you only inflict 2d4 damage. Bart Hanson may counter attack with Abe Limon's hair, which is incredibly abrasive (much like Abe himself). When Abe Limon is rotated rapidly, he can inflict massive damage (4d20). It is worth noting that a rotating Abe Limon is what basically cut the Chunnel between Dover, England and some place in France that nobody gives a fuck about.)

Hope that helps,

- Doyle Brunson's Wrinkled Spleen

 

[grandgnu]

Dear DMBergs,

I don't have a question, just wanted to give you props for the D&D references. I've got some Wizards of the Coast mags in the mail coming your way, congrats!

 

[bergs]

Dear DMBergs,

I don't have a question, just wanted to give you props for the D&D references. I've got some Wizards of the Coast mags in the mail coming your way, congrats!

Dear Single Hit Die Non-Player Character,

Thanks. I was going to attack you with a vorpal sword +12 versus dwarves, but I'll spare you your 4 hit points.

With (some) Mercy,

Kanye the Giant

 

[daschuck77]

Bergs,

My girlfriend wants me to sit down with her tonight and watch the Westminster dog show. How do I cope, keep composure and not make jokes about how these OCD prissy pricks are parading their poor inbred dogs around the ring? I feel that I owe her a respectful viewing experience because she makes good sex and sandwiches.

Hugs,
Charlie

 

[bergs]

Bergs,

My girlfriend wants me to sit down with her tonight and watch the Westminster dog show. How do I cope, keep composure and not make jokes about how these OCD prissy pricks are parading their poor inbred dogs around the ring? I feel that I owe her a respectful viewing experience because she makes good sex and sandwiches.

Hugs,
Charlie

Dear Chuckles,

Men will do a lot of things for woman who "make good sex" (?!?) but I readily agree that everyone has their limits. Here's what I recommend:

1) Find out when the show starts.
2) Inject some Oxycontin into your femoral artery about 45 minutes before the show starts.
3) There ain't no number 3 - you're not gonna give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Enjoy the dog show. Or your navel. Or whatever.

Sleepily,

- Ron Butterfield

 

[daschuck77]

Dear Chuckles,

Men will do a lot of things for woman who "make good sex" (?!?) but I readily agree that everyone has their limits. Here's what I recommend:

1) Find out when the show starts.
2) Inject some Oxycontin into your femoral artery about 45 minutes before the show starts.
3) There ain't no number 3 - you're not gonna give a fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Enjoy the dog show. Or your navel. Or whatever.

Sleepily,

- Ron Butterfield

Chuckles? Did you talk to my mother before typing this response? Don't answer that. I just put her up on a tee for you just now. Mom also called me Chuckwheat growing up. Luckily it wasn't a childhood chained to something in the attic.

 

[spikeithard]

Dear Berger

How do I stop my one cat from eating so much? He is constantly wanting food and he is slightly overweight.

 

[daschuck77]

He's no Truman...

 

[bergs]

Dear Berger

How do I stop my one cat from eating so much? He is constantly wanting food and he is slightly overweight.

Dear Captain Chemtrail:

Drop your cat off at Ben's. He apparently lives in Bum Fuck, Egypt - a part of the world so remote that even ISIS is like "Meh, fuck it, you Christians keep that part".

Barring that, you could, you know, practice portion control. But what the fuck do I know? I'm closer to 300lbs than 200.

Unhealthily,

- George Foreman

- - - - - - - - - Updated - - - - - - - - -

Chuckles?

Well, it was that or fuckface, and I already gave that moniker to someone else here. I'm assuming that you just wanted confirmation that I was calling you 'Chuckles', but 5-to-6 and pick'em that you were having a conversation, with your self, on the Internet. You're a weird guy, Ace.

Did you talk to my mother before typing this response?

Yes, I did. And by the way, she makes the most excellent French Toast at 4am.

Don't answer that.

Too late, Chuckie Fuckface.

I just put her up on a tee for you just now.

She'll be so happy and proud. The only thing women love more than being put on a tee is being put in Mitt Romney's book.

Mom also called me Chuckwheat growing up.

My mom, or your mom? I'm assuming your mom, because my mom would've called you "that weird child from down the street that I really wish you wouldn't associate with"

Luckily it wasn't a childhood chained to something in the attic.

Perhaps not, but did you put it in the basket before you got the hose again?

Love forever,

- Dad

 

[jbutler]

Keep in mind that England is a country that went to war with Argentina over a bunch of small islands called the "Falklands". I can't name one thing that has ever come out of the Falklands. Not a single fucking thing. But England thought the Falklands were more important than Canada.

Dear Mr. Robert Bergman,

I have found myself in need of improved PR services over a matter that might have come to your attention and you seem to have a certain knowledge of and way with words relating to the specific topic that has caused me significant strife over the past several days.

I prefer to cut to the chase: I would like to reframe the current public conception of the Falklands War. After your efforts, if they are successful, the War will be understood to have extended to mainland Argentina. If you believe you can assist in such matters, please provide a brief outline of such a plan and what retainer you require to begin work immediately.

Very truly yours,
Papa Bear O'Reilly

 

[bergs]

Dear Mr. Robert Bergman,

I have found myself in need of improved PR services over a matter that might have come to your attention and you seem to have a certain knowledge of and way with words relating to the specific topic that has caused me significant strife over the past several days.

I prefer to cut to the chase: I would like to reframe the current public conception of the Falklands War. After your efforts, if they are successful, the War will be understood to have extended to mainland Argentina. If you believe you can assist in such matters, please provide a brief outline of such a plan and what retainer you require to begin work immediately.

Very truly yours,
Papa Bear O'Reilly

(Frowning)...."Dear Rand McNally,"....(crosses it out)
(Grimacing)...."Dear Warren G. Harding,".....(crosses it out)
(Smiling)....."Dear Billy Fuckface,"....(crosses it out, very reluctantly)
(Satisfyingly)...."Dear Clark Griswold,

Thank you for your note. I've given your request careful consideration, and here's what I've determined needs to be done. I made a list for you - Kool Moe Dee once told me that bitches love lists.

1) Taunt an Argentinian soldier by telling him that the country he lives in is stupidly attached to countries that celebrate a common American bar appetizer (Chile), a country that sounds like a horrible disease of the lower bowels (Bolivia), a country that sounds like a urinary tract infect (Uruguay), and a country that is trying to pass itself off as two Guays when it's patently clear that there is only Guay there (Paraguay).

2) The Argentinian solder won't understand you, because it's really unlikely that you speak Argentinian. However, he will understand that you're speaking English, and as a direct result he probably won't like you. He'll likely start walking toward you with his gun raised. It's probably an American-made M-16, because God loves the Spanish and irony, but not both at the same time.

3) Start frantically waving the Falkland Island flag that you conveniently brought along. It's the one that depicts an island in the shape of Margaret Thatcher's penis.

At this point, you'll be sharing Argentinian wine with the soldier in a local pub, and won't you be surprised when you look up and Brian Williams is there. He's going to tell you that he's fresh off assignment from the War of 1812. Don't believe him. He's just there for the cheap beer.

Good luck. Actually, I don't mean that. I hope you get shot in the face by an adolescent that has never had the joy to watch Sesame Street. I think if all children were required to watch Sesame Street, the world would be a more peaceful place.

Your intoxicatingly drunken pal,

- Sam Colt

P.S. I forgot about the Falkland War and Argentina part. I chose to ignore the premise of your question because it was embarassingly stupid."

 

[jbutler]

Typical lamestream media advice columnist bullshit. Thanks for nothing.

 

[bergs]

Typical lamestream media advice columnist bullshit. Thanks for nothing.

Dear Keith Olbermann:

Don't mention it. By the way, I've been meaning to ask....how does Rich Eisen's ass taste, anyway?

Your pal,

- Chris Berman

 

[manamongkids]

 

[courage]

Dear bergoo,

On my way back from the casino last night on the side of the road, I found some amazing roadkill possum, two squirrels, and a skunk. I think they're fresh, not over a couple days old. Can you help with a recipe? I'd like to make something special for the home game this week.