This Is The Thread Where I Fix Problems (1 Viewer)

[Toby]

Dear bergoo,

On my way back from the casino last night on the side of the road, I found some amazing roadkill possum, two squirrels, and a skunk. I think they're fresh, not over a couple days old. Can you help with a recipe? I'd like to make something special for the home game this week.

Sounds like good spousal material right there

 

[jbutler]

Sounds like good spousal material right there

TIL Scotland is the Kentucky of the UK.

 

[Ben]

TIL Scotland is the Kentucky of the UK.

Scotland is the Texas of the UK. Wales is the Kentucky of the UK - right down to the unintelligible language (in both spoken and written form.)

 

[bergs]

Dear bergoo,

On my way back from the casino last night on the side of the road, I found some amazing roadkill possum, two squirrels, and a skunk. I think they're fresh, not over a couple days old. Can you help with a recipe? I'd like to make something special for the home game this week.

Dear Necrophiliac Davy Crocket:

Happy to help. Here's what you do. I've had this before and it's tremendous.

Step 1: Call Jimmy Johns
Step 2: Order the Tuna thing
Step 3: Play poker
Step 4: If you lose any big hands, put the dead skunk in the middle console of the winner's car
Step 5: Put both squirrels in Dave the Donk's bed - he's always wanted a three some
Step 6: There is no step 6...far be it from me to tell a man what to do with a dead possum.

Have fun at your game and enjoy the meal (you fuckin' dumb hick).

Your pal,

- Chef Tell

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Scotland is the Texas of the UK. Wales is the Kentucky of the UK - right down to the unintelligible language (in both spoken and written form.)

Dear Ben McDover,

You're from fucking Tennessee. You aren't allowed to disparage anyone, ever*.

(* - unless they're from Mississippi or Alabama, then fire at will).

Warmly,

- William J. Clinton

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TIL Scotland is the Kentucky of the UK.

Dear Jim Nantz,

This isn't the "Make inane comments about places you've never been and don't want to go" thread. If you have a question, ask it. If you don't, go fuck yourself with a dull spoon.

Loves and kisses,

- Sherriff of Nottingham

 

[Toby]

TIL Scotland is the Kentucky of the UK.

Scotland is the Texas of the UK. Wales is the Kentucky of the UK - right down to the unintelligible language (in both spoken and written form.)

I was about to cry "racial hate crime" but then remembered I'm not from Scotland, I only live here.

What's the US equivalent of Essex?

 

[Mr Tree]

Dear Jim Nantz,

This isn't the "Make inane comments about places you've never been and don't want to go" thread. If you have a question, ask it. If you don't, go fuck yourself with a dull spoon.

Loves and kisses,

- Sherriff of Nottingham

Wow, a Robin Hood Prince of Thieves reference in 2015

 

[Toby]

Dear Dr. Hurdy-Bergy Man

I have a friend who's in denial about his deep, deep love of AMC's The Walking Dead show.

He goes to great lengths on the Tinterwebz forums to cover up his raging passion for TWD by writing extensively about its alleged plot and character failings.

Please, please, please can you Fix It for him to have angry sex with Rick Grimes?

Yours breathily,

Virginia Souphands OBE

 

[jbutler]

I was about to cry "racial hate crime" but then remembered I'm not from Scotland, I only live here.

What's the US equivalent of Essex?

new jersey. i feel your pain.

Wow, a Robin Hood Prince of Thieves reference in 2015

if i'm quoting alan rickman, it's sure as shit not going to be the costner abortion. all hans gruber all the time.

 

[grandgnu]

Dear Bergs:

My boss moved down to Tampa about a month ago to setup our new operations center, right after our first blizzard. Since that time we've received no less than one foot of new snow every 36 hours while I'm still here in the north. In addition, my microwave shit the bed with three weeks left before my move date. And I'm the height of a below average 9 year old. W...T....F?

p.s. Bonus question, when I arrive in Florida will it be the Summer of George?

 

[Ben]

You're from fucking Tennessee. You aren't allowed to disparage anyone, ever*.

(* - unless they're from Mississippi or Alabama, then fire at will).

Warmly,

- William J. Clinton

Waaa. Can I at least have Vermont???

Also Florida. Making fun of Florida is a God-given right, even for Mississippians.

 

[grandgnu]

Also Florida. Making fun of Florida is a God-given right, even for Mississippians.

After I read the news that a father in CT, caught putting his hands down his 4-year old daughters pants because his "fingers were cold", I couldn't be happier to be moving to FL this Sunday, where nothing bad ever happens.

 

[Toby]

Re. Maggie Thatcher's penis, Jim'll Paint It Illustrated that:

http://36.media.tumblr.com/45dd0652ae036dd3eab420fc9b4834a8/tumblr_niun6oO9A41s6ylubo1_1280.jpg

 

[Chippy McChiperson]

Wise one,

Do you have any SOHE tips? I need to brush up before BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBotBV.

Warmest regards,
C. McC.

 

[bergs]

Dear Dr. Hurdy-Bergy Man

I have a friend who's in denial about his deep, deep love of AMC's The Walking Dead show.

He goes to great lengths on the Tinterwebz forums to cover up his raging passion for TWD by writing extensively about its alleged plot and character failings.

Please, please, please can you Fix It for him to have angry sex with Rick Grimes?

Yours breathily,

Virginia Souphands OBE

Dear Ginnie,

Sounds to me like someone secretly wants to watch the Housewives of the Fucking Wherever County on Bravo Network, but is stuck watching The Walking Dead because of his significant other.

I don't think we can get him to have sex with Rick Grimes. I think we should tell him to "look at the flowers" and call it a day.

Regrettably yours,

- Quick Draw McGraw

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Wise one,

Do you have any SOHE tips? I need to brush up before BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBotBV.

Warmest regards,
C. McC.

Dear C -

Jam.

Regards,

-B

 

[Toby]

Dear The Berginator

Robots from the future have travelled back to the present to enslave me. No wait - that's children (often get these confused).

Anyhoo, my wife tricked me into having sex one time in the last year and now another mewling, bawling bundle of miasmic joy is on the way.

It feels like the lop-my-cock-off-with-a-rusty-blade horse has bolted, unless I can scare up a time machine first.

What are my options?

Yours always,

Timmy Tadpoles

 

[tommythecat]

Dear Bergosaurus Rex,
I am taking a cute English girl that I met recently on a date this weekend. I live in the suburbs of one of the greatest cities in the world, Chicago. Any suggestions for a good place to go to impress this British Babe?

Sincerely,
Monty Python

 

[stocky]

Dear Bergosaurus Rex,
I am taking a cute English girl that I met recently on a date this weekend. I live in the suburbs of one of the greatest cities in the world, Chicago. Any suggestions for a good place to go to impress this British Babe?

Sincerely,
Monty Python

 

[tommythecat]

Thank god that is not the case!!!!! Also... *shudder*

 

[slisk250]

Ok - this thread is reactivated?

Dear bergs,

I've sent about 18000 chips to my 80 year old dad in the last few months to hold for me. He thinks I'm crazy. Now he has stated I can no longer ship chips to his house. I've got chips to buy man! WTF do I do? I need options. I do not want to be written out of the will but I need me some chips. There are no other relatives in Arizona I trust to receive my chips. Please help!

Yours truly,

Mapeless in Medina

 

[BGinGA]

Have your chips shipped to me, and pick them up at the Hitching Post next April (or at DCS in November). Or just stop by anytime.

 

[bergs]

Dear The Berginator

Robots from the future have travelled back to the present to enslave me. No wait - that's children (often get these confused).

Anyhoo, my wife tricked me into having sex one time in the last year and now another mewling, bawling bundle of miasmic joy is on the way.

It feels like the lop-my-cock-off-with-a-rusty-blade horse has bolted, unless I can scare up a time machine first.

What are my options?

Yours always,

Timmy Tadpoles

Dear Strong Swimmers,

Time travel would involve the conversion of all known matter in the universe into energy - which would be predicated by needing something almost infinitely powerful to perform the conversion - so basically, you're fucked with the time travel thing. Neither of us are from Gallifrey, so let's dwell on the art of the possible, shall we?

As I see it, you only really have 2 options. One of them involves drugging your family and putting them on a container boat headed towards the Gulf of Somalia, so that's probably out because it also carries the likely penalty of federal incarceration....which leaves us really only with a single viable option.

Here's what you're going to need to do. I put it in individual steps so it's simpler, because (and please don't take this personally) if you don't understand how children are concepted after already having ostensibly fathered one, you may not be the sharpest tool in the proverbial shed...

1) Look into a mirror in a well lit and quiet room.
2) Say in a loud and confident voice "It wasn't me"
3) Repeat steps 1 and 2 until you actually start to believe that it wasn't you
4) Do the exact same thing you did in step 1 and 2, but with your wife instead of a mirror
5) Purchase a sleeping bag and some garments that wear well - you're going to need them when you start living out of your car

Good luck. I hope you "binky" it.

- The Fifth Doctor

 

[bergs]

Dear Bergosaurus Rex,
I am taking a cute English girl that I met recently on a date this weekend. I live in the suburbs of one of the greatest cities in the world, Chicago. Any suggestions for a good place to go to impress this British Babe?

Sincerely,
Monty Python

Dear Windy City Wanker,

I'm going to exercise the age-old practice of parroting back to you what I read just to ensure that we have mutual understanding. Then I'll try (likely in vain) to help you. Here we go....

"I am enslaved to a semi-attractive woman with a weird accent that will never, ever pork me this weekend. I live in the forlorn outskirts of one of the most violent cities in the world, going back to Athens and Ancient Greece. Any suggestions for a good place to go that will maximize my opportunity to bang this broad whilst minimizing the likelihood that I'm going to get a cap in my ass. Thanks. Sincerely, Inigo Montoya."

Assuming that's correct (and it's a safe assumption because, let's face it, I wrote it), then you have a couple of options:

1) Wrigley Field. Chances to get laid - low. Chances to get shot - low. Also, it's best if you don't go when they're playing baseball. British chicks hate baseball.
2) Sears Tower. Chances to get laid - negligible. Chances to get shot - low. Chances to get vertigo, throw up on the arrogant limey girl, and have a good story to tell - very high.
3) South Side of Chicago. Chances to get laid - virtually nil. Chances to get shot - exceptionally high. Chance that you confuse where you are with Detroit circa 2009 - assured.
4) The Chop House. Chances to get laid - very high, if you hire the prostitute from the restaurant's bar after your meal. Chances to get shot - nil. Opportunity to chew and screw for a $60 flank steak that was perfectly prepared - priceless.

Best of luck to you. (P.S. If anyone wants odds-to-bang, let me know and we can do props).

- Al Capone's Vault

 

[Chippy McChiperson]

Wise one,

Do you have any SOHE tips? I need to brush up before BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBotBV.

Warmest regards,
C. McC.

Dear C -

Jam.

Regards,

-B

Thanks for the tip B!

-C. McC., SoHe W.C.

 

[bergs]

Dear C McC SOHE WC,

I grow increasingly concerned about you - and not just because your new name looks like it was created when a German Enigma machine operator had 3 bottles too many schnapps.

What's going to happen next year when you don't repeat? Surely you must realize that your antics post-championship will cause others to want to see you fail. Just look at the New England Patriots...if there ever was a target for the blimp from Black Sunday, those arrogant bastards are it.

I fear for your emotional wellbeing to the point where I've felt it necessary to contact the Dr. Phil show in an effort to help keep you grounded. I think your fluke of a tournament win has caused you to change your own self-perception to the point where you define your existence by your SOHE championship.

You have to stay well grounded. Like, literally, I want to keep you grounded - like when a thunderstorm hits, I want to drive a 45 foot metal pole through your body and turn you into Chippy McFriedRibsKaBob.

But I digress - this isn't about what I want - this is about what you need - which is to get knocked out first next year in the SOHE championship and have a skunk trophy inelegantly implanted into the furthest and darkest regions of your rectum.

I'll let you know if Dr . Phil calls. You'd look great perched on a stool - like a bearded 200 year old canary. Anyway, best of luck to you.

Bergnot McBitterman

 

[bergs]

Dear Crack Baby,

I'll try to answer your questions here as succinctly as possible. Please do let me know if I take any of these out of context, and I'll reprint the high definition photo I have of you on my dartboard in my basement.

1) Milling the hub mold - the hub mold is remarkably like your forehead from a consistency and texture perspective. If I may be so bold, I'd recommend that you attempt to mill a small hole in the center of your forehead, and then use that to determine the viability associated with the hub mold chip. I wish you the best of luck - if anyone is brainless enough to survive this, and luckbox isn't available, I think we all rest assured that you're the next best candidate.

2) Did anyone notice that two chips are different sizes? No, though it must be remarkably convenient to be able to measure the width of chips simply by using the length of your penis. 3mm sounds right to me on both counts. Hey, it's a gift, you might as well knock down some bodies with it.

3) This American Life - I wasn't aware that you had a TV and just assumed that you didn't have electricity in the van you chose to park by whatever running body of water you're in proximity to - but that's really great, I'm glad you have some recreational activity to undertake when not measuring things with your micropenis. Sadly, I didn't watch that episode of This American Life because my captors thought that too cruel and unusual and just chose to water board me instead.

4) Bovada. Cool story, bro.

Yours in measurement,

- Captain Disdain

 

[Chippy McChiperson]

Dear burgermeister,

Barring unforeseen circumstances, a bearded orangutan I know is about to take a two and a half game lead in his fantasy football division with three to go. The ape drafted Ezekiel Elliott with his first pick, directly after his challenger (ironically a Cowboys fan) traded up one pick to take Adrian Peterson's fossilized corpse. My question is, what type of sock does @JoseRijo prefer to iron?

Sincerely,
Maurice