This Is The Thread Where I Fix Problems (2 Viewers)

[bergs]

omg literally crying on the stationary bike at the gym reading this

Hey, what you do with your BDSM lifestyle is your own business. This is the advice thread, not the Jbutler personal time thread.

 

[stocky]

FYI there is a guy in Australia who figured out how to win the lotto. He just bought every possible combination.

 

[slisk250]

OK, I'll give it a try. I'm kind of new here. How do I get invited to some of the best poker room from PCF members? (Hitching Post, Club Courage, etc.) What about bergland?

 

[bergs]

Dear Fixer,

The NCAA men's basketball tournament starts in a month. I'd really like Louisville to win it all. Please fix.

kthxbye

Dear Hank,

Was there a question here, or did I miss it? (rereads your simple monosyllabic post quickly) Nope, no question. About what I'd expect from a resident of Kentucky:

- An utter inability to follow simple directions
- Lack of a question under the false pretense that anything outside your outhouse doesn't exist
- Short, clipped sentences designed to hide your IQ that is barely sufficient to sustain basic bodily functions like breathing and passing feces

To humor you, I'll pretend you asked a question as follows:

"Dear Fixer - Under what circumstances could Louisville win the Men's NCAA Division I Basketball Tournament? Thanks in advance for whatever advice you can provide. I wallow in the benevolence of your wisdom and prostate myself at the altar of your intelligence. Truly, it is an honor and a blessing to receive your missives and attempt to wrap my small, almost insignificant mind around them. Perhaps I will print out your reply on my thermal paper printer and bring it to the Horseshoe where people far smarter than me, from Indiana, can help me understand."

I had to renew my ESPN Insider membership to divine the answer to your mindless and pointless question. I'd bill you the $9.99, but there are 3 challenges:

1) You haven't had $10 to your name since you robbed the 7-11 in Ohio. Other gentle readers should realize that your godforsaken state doesn't have any convenience stores because you all use Confederate money and still leverage the Amish-like bartering system.

2) lolmailbox - you don't have one.

3) I don't accept checks branded on the side of cows.

So onto your query regarding Louisville:

Louisville is ranked #9. It's sad, but I need to spell this out for your Cro-magnon level of intelligence. There are 8 teams ranked in front of you (heavy sigh). Here's what needs to happen with some of the other 8 teams to give Louisville a shot at winning a national championship:

#7 - Arizona - needs to have another point shaving scandal
#6 - Villanova - it would help Louisville if Rollie Massimino came back to coach and started a 78 year old Ed Pickney at power forward
#5 - Wisconsin - have you seen them play? Their office is so slow that most of their players graduate before the end of their first possession.
#3 - Gonzaga - overrated team; their strength of schedule includes Roanoke Community College, Central North Southern Dakota State, and the University of Phoenix Online
#2 - Kentucky - pretty much have to pray for a team plane crash


I think Louisville goes out in the first round. Actually, I don't really think that, but it'd be really funny to watch you drink yourself into a stupor, pass out, and wake up the next day to look in the mirror and see "UK" written all over your face in blue.

Good luck,

- Adolph Rupp

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FYI there is a guy in Australia who figured out how to win the lotto. He just bought every possible combination.

Dear Genius -

I disregarded the fact that there is a moron somewhere in the wilderness of Australia who decided it's a good idea to spend $180M to cover all theoretical number combinations and thus guarantee himself $170M, or a net loss of $10M.

I assumed that the nature of the question was that the person wanted to, you know, actually win money.

Laughingly,

- Rodney Ansell

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OK, I'll give it a try. I'm kind of new here. How do I get invited to some of the best poker room from PCF members? (Hitching Post, Club Courage, etc.) What about bergland?

Dear New Guy,

Try this - I'm not guaranteeing it'll work, but it's what I'd do:

"Hey, fuckwads, can I play, or no?"

Best of luck,

- Allen Kessler

P.S. You're making an assumption that Hitching Post and Club Courage are "some of the best poker room". I've played at Club Courage. I've walked back to my hotel from Club Courage. Here's the thing - it's not exactly the Taj Mahal. It's in Kentucky, it's some dude's basement, and he's got this on the walls. Proceed at your own risk, but the analogies with poker verily abound. Also, who serves soup at their games? Fucking weirdo.

EDIT: Courage is a man who proudly has a stereo system built into the wall of his kitchen that predates his house. Some genius built his house in like 1955 and figured, "hey, you know what would go really well in this wall in the kitchen? Let's put grandpa's stereo on there from when he used to listen to FDR talk about the New Deal." loltechnology

 

[krafticus]

So I just lost a $600 pot in a $.25/$.50 to a 1 outer. AQcc < 10 6cc on a J97cc flop. Brick turn and all the monies go in. I must really suck at this game.

Help!!

 

[slisk250]

Dear New Guy,

Try this - I'm not guaranteeing it'll work, but it's what I'd do:

"Hey, fuckwads, can I play, or no?"

Best of luck,

- Allen Kessler

P.S. You're making an assumption that Hitching Post and Club Courage are "some of the best poker room". I've played at Club Courage. I've walked back to my hotel from Club Courage. Here's the thing - it's not exactly the Taj Mahal. It's in Kentucky, it's some dude's basement, and he's got this on the walls. Proceed at your own risk, but the analogies with poker verily abound. Also, who serves soup at their games? Fucking weirdo.

EDIT: Courage is a man who proudly has a stereo system built into the wall of his kitchen that predates his house. Some genius built his house in like 1955 and figured, "hey, you know what would go really well in this wall in the kitchen? Let's put grandpa's stereo on there from when he used to listen to FDR talk about the New Deal." loltechnology

View attachment 6783

THX bergs. I'll take your advice on the invites. Forgive me for being as fecklessly dithering as I am but you bring up a good point regarding the assumptions I've made.

Club Courage aside...What qualities must a PCF poker room possess to qualify as "best?"

Regards,

Lost in Arabia

 

[courage]

I could expound upon the qualities of a great poker room, but rather than risk ridicule suffice it to say you should time your visit to Berg's next appearance lol.

That was not soup, it was noodles, in honor of an epic AZ card room ejection. How quickly they forget.

And that chick totally did not want the bergbod. It was the Whaler's cap.

 

[bergs]

I could expound upon the qualities of a great poker room, but rather than risk ridicule suffice it to say you should time your visit to Berg's next appearance lol.

That was not soup, it was noodles, in honor of an epic AZ card room ejection. How quickly they forget.

And that chick totally did not want the bergbod. It was the Whaler's cap.

Dear Numb Nuts:

I was offered ass massage.

Warmly,

Mike Liut

 

[bergs]

THX bergs. I'll take your advice on the invites. Forgive me for being as fecklessly dithering as I am but you bring up a good point regarding the assumptions I've made.

Club Courage aside...What qualities must a PCF poker room possess to qualify as "best?"

Regards,

Lost in Arabia

Dear Lawrence:

A "best" poker room must have all of the following:

- Hennessy
- Bitches
- Money
- Good lighting
- Comfortable chairs
- Suge Knight pulling security detail
- Did I mention bitches?
- I can't remember if I said this, but definitely bitches

Good luck,

- Steve Wynn

 

[bergs]

So I just lost a $600 pot in a $.25/$.50 to a 1 outer. AQcc < 10 6cc on a J97cc flop. Brick turn and all the monies go in. I must really suck at this game.

Help!!

Dear Daniel Negraneau:

Tough beat. Not much you can do. I think you played it perfect. Except the part where you lost. I would've folded there. You should've jammed turn and then folded river after you were all in because you're only get recalled by a better hand that improved on the river. So basically, fold pre. Ok?

Your poker buddy,

- Mojo1312

 

[PAZ]

Rob,

Is Mike really D.T. Jerry? This is exactly what happened to you!

PAZ

I like to play poker at people's houses who are getting ready to sell. I then like to drink a lot and spill equal amounts on the floor to give it that nice lived in look. I'm having difficulties finding a game. When are you selling your place. I mean, when can I come play?

Mike

 

[snooptodd]

Dear Berghouse Forum,

I never thought it would happen to me. I made it an entire year without buying my wife flowers, which I last gave her on Valentine's Day 2014. I try to be an attentive and caring partner, but flowers were something that I never quite grasped as a gift despite the fact that I know my wife enjoys receiving them.

The question, then: do I go the traditional flower route tomorrow because I know she likes them despite the risk that it might also draw her attention to the fact that the last time I gave her flowers was...a year ago on Valentine's day? Or do I go for something a bit more personal and specific, but make a note for myself to send her flowers in a few weeks when she's not expecting them.

Signed,
Counting Flowers On The Wall

Real men send Singing Valentines.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153134476384772&pnref=story

 

[k9dr]

I ordered some chips from someone over 3 weeks ago and they have not been delivered yet. Please help !!

 

[courage]

Dear Numb Nuts:

I was offered ass massage.

Warmly,

Mike Liut

Dear Mike the Dreamer,

Keep hope alive, but the only evidence of this was your Crown-fueled testimony. She later experienced a psychotic break with reality which may provide some explanation. Word on the traveling home game circuit is you dropped acid together. I'm not judging. Your version of the story is more compelling.

Fondly,

Brian Williams
- from my new desk @bbotbbbbb5

 

[Strike1st]

Real men send Singing Valentines.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153134476384772&pnref=story

This just happened Friday at my office...pa - the - tic! Real men grab gas station flowers and a snickers.

 

[snooptodd]

This just happened Friday at my office...pa - the - tic! Real men grab gas station flowers and a snickers.

Well, I spent all day yesterday doing this, bringing tears to old ladies eyes and laughs and smiles to dozens of others, not to mention raising money for a scholarship fund that we give to a HS senior that plans to study music. (I'm the one in the middle on the right singing bass.)

To each his own.

 

[courage]

Dear fixated,

Two nights ago an uber-nit folded KK preflop in nlhe at my mixed cash game. Correctly.

What should be the house ruling and penalty for this in the future? Is there anything I can do now to this "player" to minimize damage to my home game?

P.S. It wasn't Chicken Rob.

Thanks,
Stupefied in KY

 

[k9dr]

The host should never fold KK preflop [emoji12]. Take a long look in the mirror and man up.

 

[jbutler]

This just happened Friday at my office...pa - the - tic! Real men grab gas station flowers and a snickers.

i guess that depends on your definition of real men. imo real men get blowjobs, but ymmv.

 

[detroitdad]

I'm in the mood for a science fiction movie. Any suggestions? I have Downloading/streaming capabilities btw.

 

[grandgnu]

Dear Bergermeister Berger:

I am desperately seeking Asian triplets in schoolgirl uniforms with a penchant for violence. Craigslist or Backpage or should I just take a plane to some poor east Asian nation?

signed: Midget with an itch

 

[bergs]

Dear Bergermeister Berger:

I am desperately seeking Asian triplets in schoolgirl uniforms with a penchant for violence. Craigslist or Backpage or should I just take a plane to some poor east Asian nation?

signed: Midget with an itch

Dear Danny DeVito:

You don't even need to leave home to make this a reality. Here's what you do (you fuckin' weirdo):

1) Put on a school girl uniform. I'm assuming you already have one (fuckin' weirdo)
2) Drink 15 beers. Oh, wait, I forgot, you're 3'2" tall. Drink 4 beers.
3) Look in the mirror - you're hammered bro, you'll see 3 of you.
4) Squint really hard.
5) Hit yourself in the face with a hand axe and cut until you feel the satisfying sound of breaking bone.

Thank me later (you fuckin' weirdo)

- Dr. Sean Maguire

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Rob,

Is Mike really D.T. Jerry? This is exactly what happened to you!

PAZ

Dear Confused,

No, Drunktard Jerry is not Mike. By the reciprocal theorem, we can likewise conclude that Mike is not Drunktard Jerry. If you stopped masturbating to pictures of TR King chips for longer than 12 minutes, you'd come to this realization without needing to post embarrassing and inane questions on public Internet forums.

Glad to be of help,

- DR OTT (Legion of Doom)

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Real men send Singing Valentines.

https://www.facebook.com/video.php?v=10153134476384772&pnref=story

Dear Sing-Sing:

Real men think about sending singing valentines, but after the first couple stanzas, it gets uncomfortable and you just start thinking about how your significant rather would rather bang the baritone in the tux than you. It makes real men feel insignificant. You want to feel like real man? Drink 12 Bud Heavy's and demand a blowjob while watching a biopic on Alexander the Great on the History channel.

Get out my house,

- Archie Bunker

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Dear Mike the Dreamer,

Keep hope alive, but the only evidence of this was your Crown-fueled testimony. She later experienced a psychotic break with reality which may provide some explanation. Word on the traveling home game circuit is you dropped acid together. I'm not judging. Your version of the story is more compelling.

Fondly,

Brian Williams
- from my new desk @bbotbbbbb5

Dear Jealous,

Obviously, you were not offered an ass massage.

Sleepily,

- Captain Relaxo

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Dear fixated,

Two nights ago an uber-nit folded KK preflop in nlhe at my mixed cash game. Correctly.

What should be the house ruling and penalty for this in the future? Is there anything I can do now to this "player" to minimize damage to my home game?

P.S. It wasn't Chicken Rob.

Thanks,
Stupefied in KY

Dear Stupid (I'm paraphrasing),

You have a few choices:

1) Hit the nittard in the back of the head with a large, well made, metal chair. This has the advantage of discouraging folding any two cards preflop. It has the disadvantage of discouraging people from being on the same of the street as you.

2) 8-bet every hand against the nittard. Pros - get to watch the nit squirm - and who doesn't love a squirming nit (c); your loose image will encourage looser play by the nittard. Cons - you'll probably end up broke and donating blood on Wednesdays to have enough scratch for 2 bullets on Thursday nights.

3) Kick the nittard over to the other table. And I know it was Chicken Rob now. Or at least someone not from Kentucky.

Hope that helps!

- Ulysses S. Grant

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The host should never fold KK preflop [emoji12]. Take a long look in the mirror and man up.

Dear Floridian Fuckface:

This chick I know gave me an ass massage one time and told me that and that if Courage needs to look in the mirror, it's more of a quick glance than a long look, if you know what I'm sayin (repeatedly nudges K9 in the ribs until he walks away).

Conspiratorially,

- Dr. Fucking Seuss

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I'm in the mood for a science fiction movie. Any suggestions? I have Downloading/streaming capabilities btw.

Dear Disadvantaged:

I'm chuckling because you're from Detroit and had to mention that you have downloading and streaming capabilities. This shatters my impression of you living in a trailer and going to rap battles at night. I thought that's what everyone in Detroit did. That, and set house fires.

OK, here's some ideas:

- Doctor Who - a story about a guy who travels around time and space in a small closet with hot women. He has two hearts, is from the planet Galifrey, and apparently is lacking a penis and a libido.
- Battlestar Galactica - a story about religion, false idols, faith, renewal, and a chick who loves to get drunk and say "FRAK" a lot. Also, guns don't make sounds in space you fucktards.
- Star Wars - if you haven't seen Star Wars, you probably need to leave your cabin in British Columbia and, you know, see the world.
- Star Trek - I watch this for the short skirts and the boobies.
- Galaxy Quest - a story about a Star Trek spinoff that loses steam when the guy from Tool Time is revealed to be the ship's captain in the first 5 minutes.
- Aliens - the thing about Aliens is this - if we're ever contacted by an alien race from another civilization, they're going to find the movie "Alien" incredibly rude. Would you want to piss off an alien race that had technology sufficient to reach out planet? I wouldn't want to make them cross. But then again, maybe it was a pretty fucking dumb idea to shoot a satellite into space beyond our solar system with a goddamn map on how to get to Earth and a Chuck Berry record.

I hope that helps. If it doesn't, you can find the YouTube video of Gnu hitting himself in the face while drunkenly squinting and wearing a school girl outfit. Either way, put down the acetylene torches, it's a party in Detroit tonight.

Enjoy,

- Rusty Staub

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I ordered some chips from someone over 3 weeks ago and they have not been delivered yet. Please help !!

Dear (name redacted):

Your shipment has been delayed due to inclement weather in the Greater Boston area. Perhaps you weren't aware, but Boston has turned into the mountain with incredible street value from "Better Off Dead". The entire Commonwealth of Massachusetts is underneath 9 feet of frozen precipitation. Your soggy-ass shipment will be delivered to you just as soon as the snow melts and most of Massachusetts ends up in the Atlantic Ocean. This will delight the gap toothed, armpit scratching, grunting and gesticulating idiots from the Berkshires who will effectively end up with beachfront property.

Soggily,

- The thing formerly known as the United States Postal Service

 

[jbutler]

Dear Berghouse Forum,

How do you manage to post in the dinner hour during Valentine's Day? My wife is in the pisser, but your post looks much too long to have been written while your wife was taking care of business.

 

[grandgnu]

Dear Berghouse Forum,

How do you manage to post in the dinner hour during Valentine's Day? My wife is in the pisser, but your post looks much too long to have been written while your wife was taking care of business.

This is made better by the fact that butlers title due to his post count is FLUSH

 

[bergs]

Dear Berghouse Forum,

How do you manage to post in the dinner hour during Valentine's Day? My wife is in the pisser, but your post looks much too long to have been written while your wife was taking care of business.

Dear Prolific Poster:

"In the dinner hour?" What are you, fucking Amish? Ding, Ding, Ding - bring in the cows, it's time to wash for suppah!

I gave the wife her flowers (which I do happen to purchase more than once a year, and I don't steal them from the Borgata coffee shop, unlike yourself). Then I told her "Hon, there are some idiots on the Internet who desperately need my help. Without my assistance, these dipshits will be braiding their asshair and singing Kumbaya when they should be posting chip pictures and making fun of the French. Would you mind terribly if I took 45 minutes and posted my missives of wisdom so as to help them find their way in this weird and dangerous world?"

Then I realized she was sleeping, and had been for quite some time.

Cliffs: I type some shit and hit the "Save" button like everyone else. I don't have any magical fucking powers. There isn't a horn growing out of the center of my head and I don't have a cape and a wand, you dipshit. Don't worry about me. Worry about self.

Defensively,

- L. Ron Hubbard

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This is made better by the fact that butlers title due to his post count is FLUSH

Dear Stubby:

Start your own thread if you want to make inane comments that most people either don't follow, or don't funny.

Toweringly yours (relatively speaking),

- Manute Bol

 

[stocky]

I have a golf game on Tuesday but haven't played for a couple of years. Any tips on how to dominate the game?

 

[grandgnu]

Dear Guru of Infinite Wisdom:

Why am I the height of a below-average 9-year old and what can be done about this?

 

[tommythecat]

Dear Bergsfucious,
Is there a fast and easy way to re-label chips and maintain perfect placement?

Thanks,
Numb Fingers

 

[Mojo1312]

Dearest Berg,

What makes you so wise?

And is it true that Guinness can drink more than you before passing out?

Signed, anonymous

 

[bergs]

I have a golf game on Tuesday but haven't played for a couple of years. Any tips on how to dominate the game?

Dear Double Bogeymaster:

If you want to shoot better, put Vaseline on the face of your clubs and the balls you hit will fly straighter. If you play with sharps, they'll be able to tell because about 40 yards out, the ball will wobble like a knuckleball. Also, use the foot wedge liberally.

If you want to "dominate the game" take out your 3 iron (nobody can hit the fucking things anyway), and drop a halberd in your bag. Out on the 5th hole, when you're as far as possible from the clubhouse, take out the halberd and attack the other players in your foursome. When you've finished going berserker on their asses, look at the foursome behind you, fling your 5 iron at them, and scream "ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!?!?"

That's domination.

Good luck and enjoy federal incarceration,

- Bugsy

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Dear Bergsfucious,
Is there a fast and easy way to re-label chips and maintain perfect placement?

Thanks,
Numb Fingers

Dear Edward Shudderhands,

No. Stop being so fucking cheap. Buy some Paulsons.

This is Poker Chip Forum, not Poker Chip Relabeling Because I Can't Afford To Buy or Make the Chips I Really Want Forum. That would turn PCF into PCRBICATBMCIRWF, which is pretty dumb.

Sincerely your,

- Mike Endy

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Dear Guru of Infinite Wisdom:

Why am I the height of a below-average 9-year old and what can be done about this?

Dear Shrimptony,

Genetics is a bit of a lottery. You got the short end of the stick, so to speak. Look at the bright side - you were blessed with infinite wit and a sparkling personality.

Cliffs: Have you considered moving to Yemen?

Good luck,

- Kareem Abdul-Jabaar

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Dearest Berg,

What makes you so wise?

And is it true that Guinness can drink more than you before passing out?

Signed, anonymous

Dear Dumbo,

So much fail here. I don't know where to start.

#1 - You're not anonymous. I can see your avatar and screen name next to your post you idle-minded moron.
#2 - The thing that makes me so wise is the exact same thing that makes you so patently stupid, except in reverse.
#3 - I've got 60 lbs on Guinness, so I can probably out drink him, but that's the wrong question - the right question is which one of us is going to overplay 63dh on a KJTccs board after we've each had exactly 15 beers.

Wisely,

- Sofuckingcrates