BonScot
Straight Flush
I went to the doctor. I said “have you got anything for wind?”
He gave me a kite...
He gave me a kite...
Silly jokes (6 Viewers)
- Thread starter liftapint
- Start date
tabletalker7
Full House
I’m guessing this plays better in Scotland?
Mangatang
Straight
I went to a zoo the other day. The only animal they had was a dog. It was a Shih Tzu.
The wrestling match was about to begin...
...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"
The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "I know, Coach, if you've told me once...I won't let him get me in The Pretzel!"
"Good! Just don't let him get you in The Pretzel!"
The crowd in the arena was roaring. The two wrestlers moved to ring, a well lit white square in the center of the seats. The Contender was called and the crowd cheered, then the Champion was called and the crowd roared.
Coach called to the Contender "Don't let him get you in The Pretzel!", and the Contender nodded and moved into the center. After a few moments, the match began.
Coach watched as the wrestlers twisted together, all power and speed. The crowd surged. The bodies on the mat became a twisted wreck.
"The Pretzel..." the Coach whispered, reaching to throw the towel into the ring, knowing there was no way the Contender could win. Before he could, though, there was a horrible, wrenching scream of agony from the ring. The wrestlers parted, fought, and before anyone could react, the Contender had the Championed pinned. The count went down.
There was a new Champion.
Coach's jaw was on the ground, the towel still in his hand. He was amazed, shocked.
The new Champion was hustled into the locker room, and Coach followed.
"How did you do that? No one has ever got out of The Pretzel! Never!"
"Well, Coach, if you've told me once, you've told me a thousand times...but he is really good. I thought I had everything under control, but he was so fast, before I knew it, he had me in The Pretzel and I heard the count going down. I couldn't move."
"I looked up and there was a ballsack hanging right in front of my face, and I figured I had nothing to lose so I chomped on it as hard as I could."
"You can't believe the strength you get from biting your own testicles."
...and the Contender's coach was once again lecturing the Contender.
"If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times-don't let the Champion get you in The Pretzel! No one has ever been able to get out of The Pretzel!"
The Contender nodded his head, getting ready for the match. "I know, Coach, if you've told me once...I won't let him get me in The Pretzel!"
"Good! Just don't let him get you in The Pretzel!"
The crowd in the arena was roaring. The two wrestlers moved to ring, a well lit white square in the center of the seats. The Contender was called and the crowd cheered, then the Champion was called and the crowd roared.
Coach called to the Contender "Don't let him get you in The Pretzel!", and the Contender nodded and moved into the center. After a few moments, the match began.
Coach watched as the wrestlers twisted together, all power and speed. The crowd surged. The bodies on the mat became a twisted wreck.
"The Pretzel..." the Coach whispered, reaching to throw the towel into the ring, knowing there was no way the Contender could win. Before he could, though, there was a horrible, wrenching scream of agony from the ring. The wrestlers parted, fought, and before anyone could react, the Contender had the Championed pinned. The count went down.
There was a new Champion.
Coach's jaw was on the ground, the towel still in his hand. He was amazed, shocked.
The new Champion was hustled into the locker room, and Coach followed.
"How did you do that? No one has ever got out of The Pretzel! Never!"
"Well, Coach, if you've told me once, you've told me a thousand times...but he is really good. I thought I had everything under control, but he was so fast, before I knew it, he had me in The Pretzel and I heard the count going down. I couldn't move."
"I looked up and there was a ballsack hanging right in front of my face, and I figured I had nothing to lose so I chomped on it as hard as I could."
"You can't believe the strength you get from biting your own testicles."
WedgeRock
Royal Flush
Aoke from my 15 year old:
What do Australian zombies and pickles have in common?
They both like briiiiiiines.
@Perthmike, feel free to use that...
What do Australian zombies and pickles have in common?
They both like briiiiiiines.
@Perthmike, feel free to use that...
That's a dad joke if ever I've heard one lol
WedgeRock
Royal Flush
15 year old told it.
Dad laughed.
Dad joke confirmed (don't say it like it's a bad thing).
K ALL IN 9
Flush
Albert Einstein was a genius, but his brother Frank was an absolute monster.
A priest, a rabbi, and an imam walk into a bar. The bartender, clearly miffed, shouts "What is this, some kinda JOKE?!"
Anthony Martino
Royal Flush
Steppenwolf
Full House
What kind of bees come out for Halloween?
Big Jilm
4 of a Kind
Daylight savings time everyone. An extra hour of 2020 is kind of like a bonus track on a Yoko Ono album
tabletalker7
Full House
I know 2020 was bad, but is 2020 THAT bad?!?
RoyalBluff
3 of a Kind
Mr Winberg
Full House
A limbo dancer walks into a bar and gets disqualified.
Mr Winberg
Full House
A dyslexic man walks into a bra...
Poker Zombie
Royal Flush
I'm always doing that... "accidentally"
Mr Winberg
Full House
Confusing Switzerland with Sweden, are we?
BonScot
Straight Flush
How do you make a Swiss roll?Confusing Switzerland with Sweden, are we?
push him down a hill
BonScot
Straight Flush
Who invented copper wire?
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny
Two Scotsmen fighting over a penny
WedgeRock
Royal Flush
Theory and Practice:
Boy gets instructed by his teacher to write an essay highlighting the differences between theory and practice (I guess that may have happened in the early '80s at the latest, given that eversince illiteracy is the main goal of all schools the world over, to keep pupils / students happy).
Boy asks dad about it. Dad says "go ask your mom and your sister if they 'd get laid with the grocer for 50K"
Boy: "Sister, would you get laid with the grocer for 50K?"
Sister: "Of course, anytime, BJs and all included"
Boy: "Mom, would you get laid with the grocer for 50K"?
Mom: "What else could I do son, we 're in need of money"
Boy gets back to his dad.
"Dad, they would both get laid"
Dad: "Now listen son; in theory, we 've got 100K; in practice we 've got two whores in the house"
Boy gets instructed by his teacher to write an essay highlighting the differences between theory and practice (I guess that may have happened in the early '80s at the latest, given that eversince illiteracy is the main goal of all schools the world over, to keep pupils / students happy).
Boy asks dad about it. Dad says "go ask your mom and your sister if they 'd get laid with the grocer for 50K"
Boy: "Sister, would you get laid with the grocer for 50K?"
Sister: "Of course, anytime, BJs and all included"
Boy: "Mom, would you get laid with the grocer for 50K"?
Mom: "What else could I do son, we 're in need of money"
Boy gets back to his dad.
"Dad, they would both get laid"
Dad: "Now listen son; in theory, we 've got 100K; in practice we 've got two whores in the house"
Poker Zombie
Royal Flush
They both have their Plus sideConfusing Switzerland with Sweden, are we?
Mr Winberg
Full House
One works a bit better than the otherEither work...
Having a symmetric plus is always a...eh...what's the word I'm looking for...advantage? No...something similar...Create an account or login to comment
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