Silly jokes (2 Viewers)

[liftapint]

So, sometimes morale runs pretty low at my office. So I decided to start posting a silly joke every day on the wall just outside my office. The idea was to see people smile, and maybe have someone say hello to me who might not otherwise do so. The reaction has been amazing! I hear people giggle as they walk by. Or sometimes they knock on my window and give me the thumbs down sign if the days joke is particularly bad. It's been fun.

....but, I am running out of jokes!

i thought I would start a similar thread here -- with all the "lively" discussions of politics and gun violence, it might be nice to have a little laugh too.

So please feel free to post jokes! I will use them on my wall if they seem fitting.

Rules: no mean-spirited jokes! Just silly jokes.

That is the only rule.
Best to put the entire joke in one thread comment.

 

[liftapint]

I will get it started...


What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question??

 

[David O]

How do you catch a unique rabbit?

Spoiler

unique up on it

 

[rowlin]

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

Spoiler

Because he was out standing in his field.

 

[12thMan]

Do you know the difference between a hippo and a Zippo??




















One's real heavy, the other is a little lighter...

 

[liftapint]

How do you wake Lady Gaga?







You Poke 'er face!

(Ok, hopefully that isn't mean spirited, but given the audience. I HAD to post that one!!)

 

[David O]

How do you catch a tame rabbit?

Spoiler

tame way!

 

[12thMan]

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question??

This reminds me of two signatures in members posts that I like, can't quite remember who has them, but:

There are 10 types of people in this world, those that can understand binary and those who can't.

and

There are two types of people in this world, those that can extrapolate from incomplete information





lol

I like those two.

"Occams raiser" is the only other one I've seen that I like more.

How do you wake Lady Gaga?







You Poke 'er face!

(Ok, hopefully that isn't mean spirited, but given the audience. I HAD to post that one!!)

I hope that's not mean spirited as well because I would have to re-calibrate my "mean spirited" meter immediately.

 

[legend672]

What did the duck say to the hooker ?
















Put it on my bill

 

[Gear]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that understand binary, those that don't, and those that didn't expect this joke to be in ternary.

 

[slisk250]

Are "dead baby" jokes allowed?

 

[12thMan]

There are 10 kinds of people in the world: Those that understand binary, those that don't, and those that didn't expect this joke to be in ternary.

lol

 

[liftapint]

Are <deleted> jokes allowed?

Ok yes for purposes of laughter here. But I certainly can't use them at work

Edit: ok, I didn't know about the other joke thread. I don't want to get locked down. So maybe no such jokes. Just silly.

 

[slisk250]

deleted

 

[12thMan]

Dead baby jokes, back to 1999 we go!!!

 

[Gear]

Q: What do you get when you cross a rhinoceros with an elephant?

Spoiler

A: Elephino

 

[liftapint]

It was difficult to get over my Hokey-Pokey addiction


...but I have turned myself around.

 

[Gear]

Oh, here we go, it only took 11 posts to get to dead baby jokes this time.

Please folks, read Tommy's comments in this thread:

http://www.pokerchipforum.com/threads/tell-me-a-good-joke-please.10391

 

[slisk250]

These two strings are walking down the street when they come across a bar. One says to the other, "Let's go in and have a drink." So they swing the saloon doors open and take a seat at the bar. The first string calls the bartender over and says, "Bartender, We'll both have a whiskey." The bartender says, "What? Read the sign buddy. We don't serve strings here, get the hell out of my bar." So the strings were angry and left. They were arguing with each other about how best to get a drink when one string suggested a disguise. He says, "I'll just take one end of my string and loop it around, then pull it through the hole. Then I'll shred up the end and put on these sunglasses, He won't know the difference." So they go back into the bar, have a seat and the bartender comes over. "Hey aren't you that string I just threw out of here?

The string replied, "Nope I'm a frayed knot."

 

[slisk250]

Dead baby jokes, back to 1999 we go!!!

Nope I deleted not knowing that Tommy wants this clean.

 

[iblonger]

This is directly from my three year old niece - so its much cuter coming from her.

Why dont Bears where socks?


Because they have bare feet.

 

[courage]

After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”

 

[MegaTon44]

I have a collection of my favorite jokes, but you'd get fired if you told any of them at work. PM me if interested though. [emoji41]

 

[liftapint]

A set of jumper cables walks into a bar and orders a drink.

The bartender says, "OK, I will serve you, but don't start anything!!"

 

[courage]

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Spoiler

Doctor: "Nine."

 

[liftapint]

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Spoiler

Doctor: "Nine."

OMG, that is hilarious. Have I mentioned that I work in health care??

 

[liftapint]

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a kangaroo?

Spoiler

GIANT holes all over Australia

 

[courage]

A wife complains to her husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the same?”

“Are you crazy? I barely know her!”

 

[courage]

Maybe this belongs in the gun thread

Two guys are out hunting in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t appear to be breathing, his eyes are glazed over. The other man pulls out his phone with trembling fingers and calls 911. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator says "Please stay calm. I will help you. First of all, let's make sure he's dead." There’s a silence, then a gun shot. The guy gets back on the phone and says "OK, now what?"

 

[Gear]

Guy walks into a doctor's office wearing nothing but Saran Wrap. The doctor immediately writes him a referral to a psychiatrist. The guy says, "A psychiatrist? Why?" Doctor says, "Because I can clearly see yer nuts."