We, the Jury, find the defendant GILLty of horrible fish puns
Silly jokes (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter liftapint
- Start date
Chicken Rob
Full House
Meat puns are a rare medium well done
I was at the bar the other night with my buddy having some beers. We had been there a while when two very large girls came up to the bar and ordered some drinks. I noticed when they ordered they both had strong accents so I said ‘Hi, are you two girls from Scotland?’ One of them spoke up with quite an attitude and said ‘it’s WALES you idiot!!!’
So I immediately said ‘Sorry, are you two Whales from Scotland?’
REO Speedwagon you can tuna piano but you can't tuna fish!
slisk250
Straight Flush
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Bartender, 5 beers please."
Bartender says "not vnless yov show yovr ID".
Last edited:
FYP - Bartender says "not vnless yov show yovr 499"
ushallnotraise
Two Pair
Why don't you ever see elephants hiding in trees?
They're really good at it.
ushallnotraise
Two Pair
You know, I have this epi-pen. My friend was giving it to me as he died. He must have thought it was REALLY important that I have it.
Chippy McChiperson
4 of a Kind
Stolen from Reddit:
On his 74th birthday, an old man receive a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
On his 74th birthday, an old man receive a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
snooptodd
3 of a Kind
Here's one of my five-year-old's favorites. And it makes me laugh every time.
What's brown and sticky?
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
Did you heart about the constipated math teacher?
He worked it out with a pencil?
He worked it out with a pencil?
snooptodd
3 of a Kind
Have you heard the one about the award winning farmer?
He was outstanding in his field.
He was outstanding in his field.
Why are penguins socially awkward?
Because they can't break the ice
A little boy about 12 years old walked down the street dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it". "In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and...
HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!"
He came up to the doorstep of a house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, "I want to have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it." The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.
Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked. He asked, "Do any of the girls have any venereal diseases?" Of course the Madam said no. He said, "I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after making love with Amber. THAT'S the girl I want."
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the cynical Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the hall dragging the squashed amphibian behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam, and headed out the door.
The Madam stopped him and asked, "Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the others?"
He said, "Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home my parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with the baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just happens to be very fond of cute little boys. She will then get the dose that I just caught. When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the dose. Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it". "In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the clap, and...
HE'S the bastard who ran over my FROG!"
- Joined
- Nov 7, 2014
- Messages
- 2,136
- Reaction score
- 2,342
- Location
- Northern NJ and NY/Long Island Areas
Husband: " I am Hungary. I want another slice of Turkey, fried in Greece."
Wife:. " If you stop your Wales, I'll give you Samoa ."
Wife:. " If you stop your Wales, I'll give you Samoa ."
Create an account or login to comment
You must be a member in order to leave a comment
Create account
Create an account and join our community. It's easy!
Log in
Already have an account? Log in here.
