Funniest thing you've heard at the poker table (1 Viewer)

2/5 NLHE at Foxwoods. 4:30am. We're one of the last 2/5s still running and we're over in the corner up against the wall for the 5th Street Cafe.

Guy comes sauntering over with an atttractive woman on his arm. Introduces her to everyone at the table, including the dealer, and when one of the regs at the table ask what her name is, he goes completely blank. We start making up names for her (Candy, Angel, etc) and she smiles good naturedly.

About 2 orbits in, I look over casually and she's got the guys cock out and is jerking the guy off. Nobody else can see this given the seat arrangement. He puts his fingers to his lips and goes "shhhh" and I scream "if you get that shit on me I'm fucking laying you out". Table gets up to see what's going on and they both try to zip him up at the same time which doesn't work, so he runs back to the bathroom with his sausage hanging out.
 
We had an entire table of people straddling at a 1/3 game at the MGM one time at 4am. Guy to my left is HAMMMMMMMERED and I am whispering to him, goading the hell out of him to badger people into straddling.

After like 8 orbits of this, a reg sits down and won't straddle and I get the drunk kid really cranked up. "call him a nit, call him a stupid nit" I whisper. His eyes are going in 2 different directions and the veins are bulging out of his forehead as he stands up and yells.....

"YOU HAVE TO STRADDLE YOU STUPID FUCKING LIMEY".

What the fuck? Where did that come from? I hear "OY OY" and I see two very burly men coming at him, one ON THE TABLE and the other from around the table.

They were English rugby players that we were bullshitting with all night.

I racked up and ran out. He was literally squealing and pleading when I walked away.


Oral of the story: not all nits are Limeys, and not all Limeys are nits, but don't fuck with rugby players.
 
About 3 hours before the prostitute jerkoff event happened, I got into a big hand with a very large black man who was wearing very ratty clothes and was betting with reckless abandon and demanding drinks every 2 minutes.

We get into this hand where I check, he bets, I raise, and he jams. I'm contemplating a call from he meancingly says "you better not call". I laugh and cut out chips, and he flips a yellow piece of folded paper onto of the pot.

"Read it", he says. I'm like "I'm not touching that". This is weird now.

Another player says "fuck it, I'll read it". He spends about 60 long seconds with it, looks up with the blood draining out of his face, and stammers "you skipped bail in Maine this morning?".

Big guy says "yup, I'm not turning myself in this till tomorrow AM so whatever happens tonight, fuck it".

He looks back at me and sits up a little and growls "don't fuckin call".

I can't compete with prison level metagame. I snap fold middle and bottom pair and he drags the pot and flashes 2 cards that were complete air, no redraws.

Sometimes you gotta fold when you're ahead.
 
Playing NLHE in St Louis a few years back, stacked cocktail waitress with standard issue top busting out comes over to take drink orders.... dirty old bastard sitting next to me gives me a nudge and whispers, in all seriousness, "...sure would like to drink a tall glass of her bathwater!" :unsure:
 
2/5 NLHE at Foxwoods. 4:30am. We're one of the last 2/5s still running and we're over in the corner up against the wall for the 5th Street Cafe.

Guy comes sauntering over with an atttractive woman on his arm. Introduces her to everyone at the table, including the dealer, and when one of the regs at the table ask what her name is, he goes completely blank. We start making up names for her (Candy, Angel, etc) and she smiles good naturedly.

About 2 orbits in, I look over casually and she's got the guys cock out and is jerking the guy off. Nobody else can see this given the seat arrangement. He puts his fingers to his lips and goes "shhhh" and I scream "if you get that shit on me I'm fucking laying you out". Table gets up to see what's going on and they both try to zip him up at the same time which doesn't work, so he runs back to the bathroom with his sausage hanging out.

Is it considered rude not to ask a hooker her name?
 
I'm playing 4/8 O8b at Potowatami. Long list for Hold'em. Open seats at our O8b table.

Dude sits down with $100. Dude caps preflop, postflop, turn and river. At showdown he flips over pocket quad sevens. We are all astonished.

Then he says, "I was going for the straight"
 
I'm playing 4/8 O8b at Potowatami. Long list for Hold'em. Open seats at our O8b table.

Dude sits down with $100. Dude caps preflop, postflop, turn and river. At showdown he flips over pocket quad sevens. We are all astonished.

Then he says, "I was going for the straight"

Before anyone asks - I've never been to Potowatami, and I don't know this man.

That said, "Potowatami" sounds like something Guinness says to me at 4am. "So I check, and Guinness acts like he's going to check, but he stammers 'Cmon, Berg, Pot or what, am I?" and pots."
 
I beat the dust out of the Potowatami craps tables for $3.5K when I was up there over the summer for the Dead & Company show... nice place!
 
This may fall into the "you had to be there" category, but I will try to relay the story as best I can.

Some years ago, one summer evening, we were playing outside in the back yard and I was sitting across the table from a couple regulars.

Regular 1 - let's call him Annoying Frat Guy - is a loud, obnoxious, southern Good Ol' Boy. Some of the shit that comes out of his mouth is pretty ridiculous by our progressive standards, but most of us love him anyway and get a chuckle out of having him around.

Regular 2 is Serious Academic Guy. He's highly intelligent, has his act together, and is probably the best player at our table on any given night. He is generally not amused by Frat Guy, often to the point of taking offense and unleashing a verbal tirade when Frat Guy says something stupid. Which is pretty much every game.

We are in the early-mid stages of a "Rebuys Until Dark" single-table tournament. It plays like a cash game during the 3-hour rebuy window, then turns into a shove-fest for all the short stacks while the big stacks either push their weight around (the skilled ones) or donk it all off (the rest of us) with holdings like top-top.

Serious Guy is sitting to the left of Frat Guy on this particular evening. The action gets around to their side of the table, Frat Guy folds and says some dorky thing, and Serious Guy looks over at him, leaning forward and staring intently at him for a moment. Then out of nowhere, Serious Guy up and slaps Frat Guy across the face - really hard. Apparently there was a mosquito on his cheek. The look of amazement on Frat Guy's face was priceless.

We all just sat there for a moment, picking our jaws up off the floor, and then the entire table burst into uncontrollable laughter. We had to pause the blinds timer.

Had any other two players been involved in the same scenario, it would not have been half as funny. When we all got over the shock and amusement of it, the game picked up right where it left off like nothing ever happened.
 
Re: MIT game. I'm just more or less CTRL-C, CTRL-V'ing this thing.

Year is 2004. I'm at a team building conference near Boston and buddy up with an MIT alumn. We're stuck in a hotel for a week (regardless if you live close or not they required you had to stay at the hotel). My new friend mentions that he might go back to Cambridge where he lives to hit up "THE" MIT game that plays every Thursday. Its a single table game that rotates 40+ people in and out of the house throughout the night. Great open bar, food, every energy drink you could think of, all on the house. No rake. What could go wrong?

So I play for about 2 hours. I don't see any real talent here poker wise (all rec players at the height of the donk era) and basically the people are half cool and the other half are social freaks. As a software engineer and as an arcade game restorer, I've interacted with many MIT folks over the years in person and the social element tends to be hit or miss.

One of the freaks is wearing this bright purple ladies shirt and has white dyed hair that is a super fro'd up. Unlike everyone else, he had not been talking... at all.. which made his 70's David Bowie look more freakish. I flop the nut straight and we both check (hand analysis is not important here). The turn came a low brick (2nd heart on the board). I look down at about $250 and he has about $40. I go all in, largely because I needed to pee and get a beer. He thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks.....breaks out his wallet (Wat?) and puts down $250. Dealer deals the river as the money is slapped on the table. He called the turn with 6 high and gets a flush on the river. No redraw except for the flush. The breaking out of cash, dealer putting out the river card seemed to happen in a single moment.

Now, this was bad and I was all like "WTF about table stakes?". They say there are no table stakes. No table stakes?

I'm steaming. HARD. I go to rebuy and then they throw down this other jewel. IF YOU GO ALL IN AND YOU LOSE, YOU MAY NOT BUY BACK INTO THE GAME. At this point some 14 year old to my right leans into me and says in low voice "Its a good rule. It protects everyone". WAT???? If you've heard "It protects everyone" among the NH/MA degens, this is the origin.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a big mouth. I start a tirade about how ridiculously stoopid these rules are and everyone just sorta avoids me. I was with my friend and had to sit there for 2 hours and not play, at which point the game had changed up players completely so I begged to rebuy in. They eventually complied...I started playing maniac and the game ended 10 minutes later (due to me I'm sure). Worst...game...ever.

Oh. Did I happen to mention the game was 1/2 and everyone used QUARTERS! Actual Quarters! Some people used bills but most used QUARTERS! No chips. Not even dice chips. I was one of very few people using bills. They probably use quarters because that protects people too.

EDIT: I should emphasize more about the quarters. It slowed the game so bad. People would show up with wrapped quarters or bags of quarters and start constructing these 1 or 2 dollar piles in front of them. When calls or raises were made, splashing the pot was standard so any idiot could easily short the pot. The table was just a big wood table, so it had the appearance of kids counting their piggy bank and getting ready to hit the bank for bills. Blech.

8ae2c4c163a1150420d78de11d2b61911fcf5ddb1b83a140d4d66dd96f978862.jpg
 
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Re: MIT game. I'm just more or less CTRL-C, CTRL-V'ing this thing.

Year is 2004. I'm at a team building conference near Boston and buddy up with an MIT alumn. We're stuck in a hotel for a week (regardless if you live close or not they required you had to stay at the hotel). My new friend mentions that he might go back to Cambridge where he lives to hit up "THE" MIT game that plays every Thursday. Its a single table game that rotates 40+ people in and out of the house throughout the night. Great open bar, food, every energy drink you could think of, all on the house. No rake. What could go wrong?

So I play for about 2 hours. I don't see any real talent here poker wise (all rec players at the height of the donk era) and basically the people are half cool and the other half are social freaks. As a software engineer and as an arcade game restorer, I've interacted with many MIT folks over the years in person and the social element tends to be hit or miss.

One of the freaks is wearing this bright purple ladies shirt and has white dyed hair that is a super fro'd up. Unlike everyone else, he had not been talking... at all.. which made his 70's David Bowie look more freakish. I flop the nut straight and we both check (hand analysis is not important here). The turn came a low brick (2nd heart on the board). I look down at about $250 and he has about $40. I go all in, largely because I needed to pee and get a beer. He thinks, thinks, thinks, thinks.....breaks out his wallet (Wat?) and puts down $250. Dealer deals the river as the money is slapped on the table. He called the turn with 6 high and gets a flush on the river. No redraw except for the flush. The breaking out of cash, dealer putting out the river card seemed to happen in a single moment.

Now, this was bad and I was all like "WTF about table stakes?". They say there are no table stakes. No table stakes?

I'm steaming. HARD. I go to rebuy and then they throw down this other jewel. IF YOU GO ALL IN AND YOU LOSE, YOU MAY NOT BUY BACK INTO THE GAME. At this point some 14 year old to my right leans into me and says in low voice "Its a good rule. It protects everyone". WAT???? If you've heard "It protects everyone" among the NH/MA degens, this is the origin.

Anyone who knows me knows I have a big mouth. I start a tirade about how ridiculously stoopid these rules are and everyone just sorta avoids me. I was with my friend and had to sit there for 2 hours and not play, at which point the game had changed up players completely so I begged to rebuy in. They eventually complied...I started playing maniac and the game ended 10 minutes later (due to me I'm sure). Worst...game...ever.

Oh. Did I happen to mention the game was 1/2 and everyone used QUARTERS! Actual Quarters! Some people used bills but most used QUARTERS! No chips. Not even dice chips. I was one of very few people using bills. They probably use quarters because that protects people too.

EDIT: I should emphasize more about the quarters. It slowed the game so bad. People would show up with wrapped quarters or bags of quarters and start constructing these 1 or 2 dollar piles in front of them. When calls or raises were made, splashing the pot was standard so any idiot could easily short the pot. The table was just a big wood table, so it had the appearance of kids counting their piggy bank and getting ready to hit the bank for bills. Blech.

8ae2c4c163a1150420d78de11d2b61911fcf5ddb1b83a140d4d66dd96f978862.jpg


It is a good rule. It does protect everyone.
 
EDIT: I should emphasize more about the quarters. It slowed the game so bad. People would show up with wrapped quarters or bags of quarters and start constructing these 1 or 2 dollar piles in front of them. When calls or raises were made, splashing the pot was standard so any idiot could easily short the pot. The table was just a big wood table, so it had the appearance of kids counting their piggy bank and getting ready to hit the bank for bills. Blech.

Not that this is the takeaway from that story, but I have no idea how you could play with quarters on a wood table for 2 hours. I almost think no poker would be better than that.
 
My game last week

Seven players, two end up head to head:

Player 1: A6os
Player 2: 33

Flop: 663
Turn: 6
River: A

Player 1, all-in

Player 2 says, "there's only one card that can beat me." He calls.

Cards shown, my brother says, very matter of factly without trying to be funny, to Player 2, "you came in third in a two player hand." We all just busted up.
 
My game last week

Seven players, two end up head to head:

Player 1: A6os
Player 2: 33

Flop: 663
Turn: 6
River: A

Player 1, all-in

Player 2 says, "there's only one card that can beat me." He calls.

Cards shown, my brother says, very matter of factly without trying to be funny, to Player 2, "you came in third in a two player hand." We all just busted up.


That's classic.
 
My game last week

Seven players, two end up head to head:

Player 1: A6os
Player 2: 33

Flop: 663
Turn: 6
River: A

Player 1, all-in

Player 2 says, "there's only one card that can beat me." He calls.

Cards shown, my brother says, very matter of factly without trying to be funny, to Player 2, "you came in third in a two player hand." We all just busted up.
Genius.
 
What made it more funny. My brother and Player 2 came to our game as polished Holdem' players and play fairly tight, so they shake their heads when we make some of the plays we make. So, for Player 2 to get called out was pretty funny. He couldn't say anything, he just shook his head and laughed with the rest of us.

Here's one, not so much about poker, but it happened at the table and involved Player 2 again.

A coworker of mine plays at the table and we;re discussing his being offered a relocation package to Texas. At the time, the company was looking for a replacement for his boss. II said, "that's pretty risky, since you have no boss right now. You should tell HR you want to wait and see how the hiring process goes, etc. What if you pack up your entire family up, move to Texas, then find out your new boss is an asshole ." Player 2 jumps in with, "or what if you're the asshole?" Meaning, what if the new boss doesn't like him. We fell apart on that one as well.

He moved to Texas and it turned out that I was right... Fortunately, he got a nice promotion for the move, then hopscotched into another role out of the department, so it all worked out for him.
 
During a very late night hand of seven card stud/high diamond in the hole splits the pot----

"I've got a pair of spades, and one of them is the Ace of Diamonds....."
 
My wife is annoyed. In bed laughing and she keeps saying what are you laughing at.

Friendly bump for those that haven’t seen this. Friendly bump for new stories from the past 3 years.
 
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Playing $1/$2 at Foxwoods a couple of weeks ago. First time since Encore's opening in Boston, which apparently is where all of the players who are not averse to a little pre-flop action have gone. Extremely conservative table. Unusual to have more than 5 limpers in a pot. Crazy, considering there is a $2 rake every time there is a flop.

Now I am a fairly tight player, but this group took tight to another dimension. UTG+1, who's been at the table for about half an hour, wakes up with a hand and bets $17 pre-flop. To my complete amazement, he gets three callers! My immediate reaction is WTF?? No raise??? SB folds. I lift my cards hoping that I have something decent to call with -- three of spades, five of spades. "Hmmmmmm." "Certainly my hand must be good against these nits" I reasoned. "Besides, this may be my last opportunity to live a little." With that, I called the $15.

Dealer burns a card. The flop: four of clubs, six of clubs, seven of spades. I check. UTG+1 pushes his stack over the betting line - $130 into an $80 pot. ($5 rake) Fold-fold-fold. Not folding. The board runs out six of spades, (there always a scare card), two of hearts.

I turn over my three, five showing the six card straight. UTG+1 looks at me like I have a third eye or am from another planet before mucking his hand. I turn to face the SB, a gentleman in his upper fifties, wearing a frown, and quietly said with the utmost seriousness while leaning into him: "I am a wicked tight player." To which he sat back in his chair, crossed his arms stiffly across his chest and screwed up his face like he caught a whiff of dirty diapers. He then rebuked me by shaking his head in disgust. "No you are not." He replied. "Suited" I quipped, while raking in the pot.

Amateurs.
 
When some lady at a free poker league for bar tabs told me that she once folded pocket aces before the flop because she knew she was beat.

And some very important pros at the time ask her her autograph.

Ooph. That's not how math works.
 
Big, BIG black guy with a cowboy hat sits at the table for a couple of hours. Doesn't say two words the entire time he is there. Gets involved in a hand with a guy who doesn't shut up. Cowboy hat ends up all in and yappy guy is contemplating the call. Yappy guy keeps asking him over and over what does he want, a call or a fold? Cowboy hat finally looks up and says in a booming voice, "What I want is for you to shut the fuck up and play your God Damn cards."

Yappy folds

https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/78bf3fb1-502d-4fa3-bfb2-01a404124ce2

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first thing I thought of hahaha
 
I was playing 1/2 NL poker at the Tropicana in AC years ago and this one time this Black Guy next to me bet every hand when he had any white chips the next hand. Didn’t matter what cards he had. If he had one white chip he would make a raise and bet with the 5s and throw that $1 white chip he had. If he had more it would be however many white chips he had. He did this for a while until someone asked why was we always making these weird bet amounts. No one realized it before what he was actually doing. He said to the Table, “I hate everything that is white and need to get rid of everything white as soon as I can.” I laughed a little as I thought it was funny.
 
We went to the Showboat once with me and my two friends for a tournament. Two of us got sat together. And my other friend sat at another table who plays like a donkey once in a while when he is in that mode. Lady gets put at our table like an hour later. Me and my friend are talking and the lady sits next to us. She says to us,(pointing to my friend at the other table). You see that guy at that table that guy plays poker like an idiot and is one of the shiftiest poker players I’ve seen at the Poker table.” Me and my friend were ROFL it was so funny. We told my friend what the lady told us at dinner and he said he called her big bet with like 3 6 and caught two pair to her pocket aces.
 
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my buddy and I went to Atlantic City to play some poker. We ate dinner before and he orders some dessert after. then we go to play poker. Have no idea what he’s thinking. Cocktail waitress comes by and asks if we want something. I order a beer and he orders a glass of milk. I say to him, what are you 7 years old? Rest of the night the table calls him “MR milk”. Jackass.
 

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