Funniest thing you've heard at the poker table

bmichaelhorn

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There's a thread on 2+2 with a similar title that I enjoy reading. I finally heard something worthy of posting and thought it might be worth starting a thread here. Please share those moments of absurdity that come out of people's mouths while sitting around a poker table. My story:

Guy sits down at 1/2 NLHE table. Second hand UTG he bets all three streets into the button who calls his river bet. UTG mucks hand face down immediately. Button gives him a weird look and UTG says "I had nothing. But in my defense, I thought we were playing Omaha".
 

jbutler

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i will leave the source anonymous, but after receiving a particularly hellacious bad beat and then - to top it off - a slow roll of epic proportions, i heard one guy say to another:

"i'm going to follow you home, tie you down, and drizzle that hand history in acid on your chest so your wife knows what a fucking donk you are."
 

12thMan

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Guy sits down at 1/2 NLHE table. Second hand UTG he bets all three streets into the button who calls his river bet. UTG mucks hand face down immediately. Button gives him a weird look and UTG says "I had nothing. But in my defense, I thought we were playing Omaha".


That's funny, but the real question is, did the button have to show his hand after utg folded?
 

jbutler

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Guy sits down at 1/2 NLHE table. Second hand UTG he bets all three streets into the button who calls his river bet. UTG mucks hand face down immediately. Button gives him a weird look and UTG says "I had nothing. But in my defense, I thought we were playing Omaha".

fwiw i've done this like a billion times without the funny comment.

though i do at least snap table my hand in the desperate hope that villain will see my confidence and assume i have the winner.
 

bmichaelhorn

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fwiw i've done this like a billion times without the funny comment.

though i do at least snap table my hand in the desperate hope that villain will see my confidence and assume i have the winner.

you've thought you were playing omaha with 2 cards in your hand?
 

12thMan

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Dealer didn't make him iirc

:D I don't think I saw a post from you in the thread, but you know what thread I'm referencing, right?

I think the thing that makes me laugh the most, even if I don't show it on the outside, is something that I've seen a couple times at least: a player attempting to check, call, or bet with no cards in front of them. Lol I think it's so funny when someone goes "i call" and then realize they don't have cards, it's at that point they start talking about how "they were still thinking about the last hand" or something to that effect.

I also really like grumpy dead pan humor from dealers, like the white guy that will apologize for his "thick accent" if someone says "i didn't hear you" when they weren't paying attention. Or another guy I'm thinking of who will copy the "lucky" things players at the table will do. Last week there was this lady playing who would rub her cards together and then spin them around when she got them, just one of those ridiculous things that people do to turn their 7/4 off suit into aces somehow, but the dealer started doing it with the flop before he would turn them over. Cracked me up for some reason.
 

Mr Tree

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Big, BIG black guy with a cowboy hat sits at the table for a couple of hours. Doesn't say two words the entire time he is there. Gets involved in a hand with a guy who doesn't shut up. Cowboy hat ends up all in and yappy guy is contemplating the call. Yappy guy keeps asking him over and over what does he want, a call or a fold? Cowboy hat finally looks up and says in a booming voice, "What I want is for you to shut the fuck up and play your God Damn cards."

Yappy folds
 

jbutler

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Big, BIG black guy with a cowboy hat sits at the table for a couple of hours. Doesn't say two words the entire time he is there. Gets involved in a hand with a guy who doesn't shut up. Cowboy hat ends up all in and yappy guy is contemplating the call. Yappy guy keeps asking him over and over what does he want, a call or a fold? Cowboy hat finally looks up and says in a booming voice, "What I want is for you to shut the fuck up and play your God Damn cards."

Yappy folds

waiting for bergman's side of the story.
 

Ben

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no i've sat down and within the first orbit three-barrel airballed half my stack.

My biggest winning session ever I did this on the very first hand against a guy who was like 85 years old. Half stack gone, then had nothing but the nuts for 4 hours straight and NOBODY ever folded to me.

On topic: regular brings friend visiting from Missouri or someplace like that to the game. Friend is drunk off his ass before they even arrive. Sometime in the first orbit someone (I think it was me) announced "straddle." Another player says "re-straddle." Drunk friend snap-deadpans (in slurred speech) "Do we need to turn the lights down here???"
 

Hot Nuts

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"Hey, you can't check raise!"

Overhearing this from the tourney table on the bubble, I push my short stack in the middle with rags to get out so I can move to the cash table. I double up the 2nd hand.
 

snooptodd

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Playing 2-7 triple draw, and there's one guy in my home game ... let's just say he plays an unconventional style.

Raised pot, three players to the first draw. BB takes 2, UTG+1 (original raiser) takes 1, Button takes 4, everyone laughs. UTG +1 bets, button calls, BB folds. UTG+1 stands pat, button takes 3, goes bet-call. UTG+1 stands pat, button draws 2, goes bet-call, UTG+1 turns over 8-6, button turns over 8-5. Everyone starts laughing, including UTG+1, at button's line (he's notorious for not giving up in lowball games), and he comes out with this gem.

"That's how to play the game, bitches."
 

lherron

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i will leave the source anonymous, but after receiving a particularly hellacious bad beat and then - to top it off - a slow roll of epic proportions, i heard one guy say to another:

"i'm going to follow you home, tie you down, and drizzle that hand history in acid on your chest so your wife knows what a fucking donk you are."

That's hilarious...but there's nothing I hate more than someone berating a fish for being fishy....it's like going to restaraunt and complaining that the food was too delicious. Not to mention you don't want the fish to clam up and not give it all right back. But some people have no control over their emotions and just need to console themselves after losing a big pot...

All these stories are great though. When I think back to all the live hands I've played trying to remember funny shit, all I can really remember are the pots I've lost. Of all the lol quotes in rounders, that one actually rings true. You never remember how you built your bankroll, but you always remember the bad beats and big pots you've lost...
 

bentax1978

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Not really the funniest thing I've heard at a table, but certainly one of the most odd tirades I've been involved in.

Just sat down at this 2/5 NLHE table about 45 minutes before this hand. A older short stack at the table (I thought he had about $100-110 in front of him) raises to $30 in middle position. Everyone fold to me in the BB. I look down at KK and raise it $80 on top, with the intention of putting him all-in. Turns out he must have started the hand with $115, because after he calls the extra $80 he still had $5 left. Flop comes out K-7-3 rainbow. I throw one $5 chip in the pot to put him all-in. I wasn't trying to be a smart-ass by betting $5 and putting him all-in. In fact, I did it in part because I thought it would be more dickish to "slowplay" top set under the circumstances. Anyway, long story short, he mumbles something under his breath, throws his last $5 chip into the pot. Turn is a Q, river is a 9. I turn over my KK. He then flips over and slams his JT on the table, pumps his fist and loudly declares that justice has been served. He then proceeds to get in my face telling me that I got what I deserved and that I have no class. He goes on and tells me that this is a gentlemen's game, and that you don't go after a man's last $5 like that. He then goes back to calling me classless. I've seen people react in many different ways to getting lucky and hitting runner-runner when they were drawing almost dead, but this was a first.

The table is a bit stunned. I'm a bit stunned. He then gets up to go outside and smoke, and it was at that point that the rest of the table turned to me and asked WTF that was all about. I told them I had no idea, never seen the dude before in my entire life. Very, very strange (and in hindsight, a little funny too I suppose).
 
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lherron

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Not really the funniest thing I've heard at a table, but certainly one of the most odd tirades I've been involved in.

Just sat down at this 2/5 NLHE table about 45 minutes before this hand. A older short stack at the table (I thought he had about $100-110 in front of him) raises to $30 in middle position. Everyone fold to me in the BB. I look down at KK and raise it $80 on top, with the intention of putting him all-in. Turns out he must have started the hand with $115, because after he calls the extra $80 he still had $5 left. Flop comes out K-7-3 rainbow. I throw one $5 chip in the pot to put him all-in. I wasn't trying to be a smart-ass by betting $5 and putting him all-in. In fact, I did it in part because I thought it would be more dickish to "slowplay" top set under the circumstances. Anyway, long story short, he mumbles something under his breath, throws his last $5 chip into the pot. Turn is a Q, river is a 9. I turn over my KK. He then flips over and slams his JT on the table, pumps his fist and loudly declares that justice has been served. He then proceeds to get in my face telling me that I got what I deserved and that I have no class. He goes one and tells me that this is a gentlemen's game, and that you don't go after a man's last $5 like that. He then goes back to calling me classless. I've seen people react in many different ways to getting lucky and hitting runner-runner when they were drawing almost dead, but this was a first.

The table is a bit stunned. I'm a bit stunned. He then gets up to go outside and smoke, and it was at that point that the rest of the table turned to me and asked WTF that was all about. I told them I had no idea, never seen the dude before in my entire life. Very, very strange (and in hindsight, a little funny too I suppose).

Well you're clearly just not a gentleman. Why don't you go play slots with all the other soulless degens with no class...

It's funny to watch how people react when they lose...and when they win for that matter. Poker and golf, the similarities are endless...
 

UTGPoker

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Not really the funniest thing I've heard at a table, but certainly one of the most odd tirades I've been involved in.

Just sat down at this 2/5 NLHE table about 45 minutes before this hand. A older short stack at the table (I thought he had about $100-110 in front of him) raises to $30 in middle position. Everyone fold to me in the BB. I look down at KK and raise it $80 on top, with the intention of putting him all-in. Turns out he must have started the hand with $115, because after he calls the extra $80 he still had $5 left. Flop comes out K-7-3 rainbow. I throw one $5 chip in the pot to put him all-in. I wasn't trying to be a smart-ass by betting $5 and putting him all-in. In fact, I did it in part because I thought it would be more dickish to "slowplay" top set under the circumstances. Anyway, long story short, he mumbles something under his breath, throws his last $5 chip into the pot. Turn is a Q, river is a 9. I turn over my KK. He then flips over and slams his JT on the table, pumps his fist and loudly declares that justice has been served. He then proceeds to get in my face telling me that I got what I deserved and that I have no class. He goes on and tells me that this is a gentlemen's game, and that you don't go after a man's last $5 like that. He then goes back to calling me classless. I've seen people react in many different ways to getting lucky and hitting runner-runner when they were drawing almost dead, but this was a first.

The table is a bit stunned. I'm a bit stunned. He then gets up to go outside and smoke, and it was at that point that the rest of the table turned to me and asked WTF that was all about. I told them I had no idea, never seen the dude before in my entire life. Very, very strange (and in hindsight, a little funny too I suppose).
This totally had me scratching my head. Literally.
 

UTGPoker

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I just love when people yell out "No Gamble, No Future" before showing their mediocre hands that showed up on the turn or river!
 

Captn_All_In

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I host a weekly game. About a month ago I had to cancel because I had a major infection in my leg. The next week play resumed and we are about 20min into our night when a guy who normally doesn't play every week shows up. The normal chit-chat ensues and he says "Anything interesting happen last week?"

The smartass of our group says "Yeah, we didn't play because Rob (me) had infected balls."

The table pauses a second trying to comprehend the statement, and the guy who ask the question to start says "Well did he clean these chips, because I don't want infected balls?!?"
 

bentax1978

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This totally had me scratching my head. Literally.

I believe I was both literally and figuratively scratching my head after the hand (and for about half-an-hour after) as well. It was just so bizarre. I had no history with this guy, I had just sat down at the table less than an hour ago, playing at a casino I had never been to that was 400 miles from where I live. The guy ended up playing at the table for another hour or two after that hand. At the end when he was leaving, he offered the guy next to him a job (no idea the specifics), telling him that he could tell he was a good person and someone he could trust (in contrast to me I suppose).
 

Jaywa

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Not a poker statement but it was during a poker game at our house. My wife and I put out a nice spread of food for everyone and my friends and I sometimes joke about some people eating like they just got out of prison. One night someone grabs a HUGE plate of food and sits down at the table.

My friend says, "Tim, you okay?"

Tim says, "Yeah, why?"

Friend: "Cuz you're eating like you have two assholes buddy.."

Now it's become the go to whenever anyone gets a big plate of food.
 

tikipirate

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Somewhere, at table behind me in the either the Taj or the Trop,about ten years ago I heard this gem...

Dealer: "Ok, showdown"
Player 1: "Uh...I've got nothing"
Player 2 (Asian): "Ah! I have -bigger- nothing!"

Cracked me up. No idea what was going on back there, but player 1 was not happy...
 

chipjoker

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This is not necessarily funny as it is now my favorite saying: "It's only money"

I put out a good size bet with K's full of Q's on the flop and someone says "It's only money" as they proceed to call, BTW, they call ALL my bets all the way to show down....
 

AK Chip

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My home game a few years ago we have the little electric hot dog grill going and the lid doesn't quite close all the way so some of the smoke gets out. My buddy sitting next to it half drunk says this wiener grease is burning my eyes another friend says occupational hazard. Game stopped for at least 20 min from laughing.
 

bergs

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Playing O8 and a woman who has been rivering us all night long shows off her chips to her husband that wandered over. I'm a little tilted, a little drunk, actually hammered, so I get his attention and politely ask if he minds that his wife sleeps with other guys. He indignantly replies "WHY?" and I'm like "well, she's been fuckin' us on the river all night long". He was not amused. She, on the other hand, loved it.

Another night at Foxwoods - playing 1/2 NLHE with Chicken Rob and we're running over the table, playing like idiots. Chicken has a conversation going with the guy in between me and him, and it's cordial between them, but the guy is getting really frustrated at me raising every hand while he's on my right. Anyway, Chicken ends up busting the guy, and he's absolutely disgusted with us but Chicken doesn't pick up on this. Guy gets up, puts on his coat, scowls at Chicken (he doesn't see this) and starts to stomp away.

I tell Chicken "there goes your buddy" and he yells over "HEY!" The guy stops and Chicken (thinking they're still friendly) waves jovially and exclaims in his best Middle World English ".....FAREWELL, FRIEND!". Guy was NOT amused.

Playing 5/10 O8 at Foxwoods and I jokingly threaten to cut off a guys oxygen tank if he rivers me again. His fucking wife comes over ONE minute later with an oxygen tank for him. Felt like an asshole but the table loved it.

Same game, different time. Older well known player is texting with his 10 year old nephew but he has a shitty flip phone and is doing it via voice. It's loud and annoying and disrupting the game. "START HOW WAS SOCCER TODAY BILLY END".

Guy next to him, equally old curmedgeon with no love loss between them, waits until he says "START" to start the text transmission and then leans over quickly and yells into the phone "I LOVE BIG COCK END". Fist fight almost ensues but the floor and dealer are laughing too hard to break it up.
 
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