Serious Question... Addicted to Poker? (1 Viewer)

Not to make light of your situation Erik, but that last comment about playing in Wednesday's game was f@cking hilarious. :D

Beat me to it. I'm playing tomorrow as well. When wifey and I get ready for work in the morning I'll let her know how good she looks and then notice the shoes..."Honey those shoes look great. Are they new? I haven't seen those on you before (or in a long time)" Then later let her know I'm probably playing cards. Tonight however is dinner out with the family.
 
Not even close. Check out medical/psychological definitions and examples of addiction and addictive behavior. Here's one, from Medilexicon's Medical Dictionary: "Addiction is Habitual psychological or physiologic dependence on a substance or practice that is beyond voluntary control." And another from Medical News Today: "Addiction, often referred to as dependency often leads to tolerance - the addicted person needs larger and more regular amounts of whatever they are addicted to in order to receive the same effect. Often, the initial reward is no longer felt, and the addiction continues because withdrawal is so unpleasant."

If you start breaking commitments in order to play poker, like missing your kid's school play or not showing up for dinner out with your wife because there's a good game you don't want to miss, or if you start playing bigger and bigger stakes because you need the adrenalin rush, or if you start using family money and lie about it, or if you start skipping work in order to play, then I'd think you have a problem. Based on what you describe, you're behaving like someone who loves to play a game and spends some money and time creating a nice environment in which to play. From the little I've read about addiction, it's when you start lying to your family, friends, employer, and yourself about what you're doing that you and your wife should be worried.

Disclaimer: I'm neither a doctor or a psychologist, but these things are easy to look up in reputable resources. I've known addicts. The common denominator is that their addictions control them and their lives.


I was going to say this exact thing. I don't see it as an addiction if your not missing work due to poker, cyphering your kids accounts to play, lying about playing, ect.....

My wife isn't a fan of the game. Well, she isn't a fan of gambling. She doesn't piss any money away on nails, shoes, blah blah blah. If she spends money its on home improvements, improving our family life style, ect.....

About 6 years ago I started a bankroll. 100% of my buy ins, poker expenses, including tables, chips, ect.....come out of my BR. Last year I won two tourney's that paid 1k. She said, oh, we going on a vacation. I said sure thing hun. If I break the rules with the BR by taking money out for non poker related activities then I will be using "work money" to pay for chips and shit. She said nope, so I said nope, lol.

I only play 2-3 times a month. I wouldn't want to play more than that. Then it would start taking time away from our date nights.
 
Does your wife shame you for masterbating too? Be honest....

Gotta be a ninja with that stuff man.

well there are religious issues at play...

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I'm on a second marriage, but my situation is unusual as my first marriage didn't end in divorce. I will say my first marriage was great and I've been very fortunate to have two women who were far better people than me who loved me for God knows what reason. I think everyone's mileage varies widely in this regard and comparisons are futile.
 
My 1st, wife's 2nd. Dangit, I knew I was getting the short end of the stick somehow. :p
 
I've been with my wife for 22 years (since we were 20). I think a good indicator of a healthy marriage is being able to say anything to your wife that you could say to a friend. I remember hosting a game in my basement once and my wife came down to say hi. I said to her, "honey, will you flop your bags on the poker table for us?" and she just laughed it off and went upstairs. JoseRijo looks at me and in deadpan fashion says "you have a very different relationship with your wife than I do with mine". I can talk to her about serious degen nights ("I lost 5K" when we had less than $500 in our checking account). "I did cocaine at our college reunion" when she is absolutely anti-drug. One time I was smacking it to a picture of two lipstick lesbians on all fours tonguing each other. Well being a dumbass, I left the picture on the computer history when I went to work at the time. When I came home, she asked me to go to the computer and "proof read an email". She downloaded the picture and made it the desktop background just to shock me back, then came in and provided commentary on which one I probably liked better.

The worst situation to be in is when a woman makes you feel guilty. I have so many friends whose current and past marriages went bankrupt due to that. I'm not implying your marriage is compromised in any manner, but guilt is a helluva poison for a man to put up with. "Faaaaaahk offfff"
 
I've been with my wife for 22 years (since we were 20).

married 26 years. We married at 20 also. Single handedly the best decision I have made. You mention "friend". My wife is easily my closest friend as well as my smokin hot wife. We have date night tonight. I can't wait.

She's off work tomorrow. Asked me if I wanted to take the day off just to hang out with her. Of course I did!!
 
My wife sees none of this, as she prefers to know nothing about my poker exploits.

Ya, you'd think that... and I actually have a background where a gambling addict (my stepdad) lost my family home when I was in H.S. (so I'm not a fan of major gamboling).

When I explain to her that it's not about the money, she rolls her eyes.

She knows my history with playing cards as a kid, and she has heard my claim about it being a social thing. She says she doesn't 'buy' that.

All I got is 20 year marriage experience, and I still don't have a clue, but it sounds to me like she doesn't like it, and rather than discussing it you are pointing to others who are worse and pointing to her shoes as her problem, deflection maybe?

People are selfish by nature, and if you are like me you can take something past the level of hobby to something that takes too much effort and time to while it is not an addiction, it is a major time sink. Be it poker or softball or World of Warcraft or Magic the Gathering or Pokémon, once you break the casual level and are researching the subject, practicing, whatever to rise to the level of "THE BEST", it does consume your being. This, added to a "background", which is not really you, but you are associated with it, probably adds to her dislike of the subject.

If you want to be honest about it, get a daytimer, and for the next month, every time you go on the web to look at ANYTHING to do with poker, I don't care if it is fabric for a table or what size is a cup holder, write it down and shade in how much time you spent on it, even reading this and writing a response. Add playing time, traveling time, prep time, etc. Any minute of the day you spend, shade it in. At the end of the month, look through the daytimer and add up the time.

You know ratios, so figure it out. 24 hours a day, take out sleeping (that does not count as spouse time) about 1/4 to 1/3. Work should be probably 1/2 if you include prep time and travel time, so what does that leave you for everything else? about 1/4 of your day? About 6-8 hours? Now how much of that 1/4 is spent on poker? If you are playing once a week and spending 5 hours online, that might be 12+ hours a week? 8 hours free x 7 days = 56 hours. 12/56 = 20% (approx.) so are you spending 20% of your free time on poker? How much are you spending with the family? How much alone? This is what you need to figure out, how to balance everything.

Here's the thing. Did you play poker when you were dating your fiancé? If this is something newer, then yes, it is you. She did not sign on to poker, she signed on to date night guy that bought her shoes, flowers, or whatever, took her out, and put her on the pedestal. People change, that is normal, but if you want to keep the marriage, you have to make sure she understands that you are doing it for your fun, she is welcome to join you, or to let you have your fun and you have to let her have her fun as well, and offer to join her for her fun, go shoe shopping, leave the kids at the parents and have a date, whatever it takes, but it sounds like you all are not talking. You married this person and made kids with her for a reason, and I guarantee poker was not it.

If you want my opinion, here it is and you can trash it, don't care. If you want to stay married, cut your poker time back. If you quit completely, you will blame her, and she will think you are a wuss for folding to her will, and you end up divorced. If you cut it back, you both get a win, play 2-3 times a month and use that other time just for her. She'll appreciate you listened to her, and you can have fun, and since it is less often, you will appreciate it more. Keep ignoring her opinion or not talking about it, you'll end up divorced.

I am Catholic by birth but that is about it, and every year, I give up something for Lent, even though I don't think God cares about me giving up coffee for 40+ days, it is for me to make sure I can control my urges or desires consciously at first, and then it becomes habit. Funny how afterwards, I find myself doing less of whatever it is I gave up. If you don't think you are "addicted" try 6 weeks cold turkey. At the end of the period, see how you feel. And talk to her, let her know how you feel during the process as it will help you understand yourself better. You may find that poker is an incredible time sink and she is right, but you can still play, just not every week.

Bottom line, you are asking casual acquaintances for marriage advice. Talk to her about it, or talk with someone who has actual training in relationships. Coming to a poker board asking if playing poker is bad for a relationship is like asking potheads if they should legalize pot, the answers are going to agree to your position.

Best wishes,

BiGGyT
 
All I got is 20 year marriage experience, and I still don't have a clue, but it sounds to me like she doesn't like it, and rather than discussing it you are pointing to others who are worse and pointing to her shoes as her problem, deflection maybe?

People are selfish by nature, and if you are like me you can take something past the level of hobby to something that takes too much effort and time to while it is not an addiction, it is a major time sink. Be it poker or softball or World of Warcraft or Magic the Gathering or Pokémon, once you break the casual level and are researching the subject, practicing, whatever to rise to the level of "THE BEST", it does consume your being. This, added to a "background", which is not really you, but you are associated with it, probably adds to her dislike of the subject.

If you want to be honest about it, get a daytimer, and for the next month, every time you go on the web to look at ANYTHING to do with poker, I don't care if it is fabric for a table or what size is a cup holder, write it down and shade in how much time you spent on it, even reading this and writing a response. Add playing time, traveling time, prep time, etc. Any minute of the day you spend, shade it in. At the end of the month, look through the daytimer and add up the time.

You know ratios, so figure it out. 24 hours a day, take out sleeping (that does not count as spouse time) about 1/4 to 1/3. Work should be probably 1/2 if you include prep time and travel time, so what does that leave you for everything else? about 1/4 of your day? About 6-8 hours? Now how much of that 1/4 is spent on poker? If you are playing once a week and spending 5 hours online, that might be 12+ hours a week? 8 hours free x 7 days = 56 hours. 12/56 = 20% (approx.) so are you spending 20% of your free time on poker? How much are you spending with the family? How much alone? This is what you need to figure out, how to balance everything.

Here's the thing. Did you play poker when you were dating your fiancé? If this is something newer, then yes, it is you. She did not sign on to poker, she signed on to date night guy that bought her shoes, flowers, or whatever, took her out, and put her on the pedestal. People change, that is normal, but if you want to keep the marriage, you have to make sure she understands that you are doing it for your fun, she is welcome to join you, or to let you have your fun and you have to let her have her fun as well, and offer to join her for her fun, go shoe shopping, leave the kids at the parents and have a date, whatever it takes, but it sounds like you all are not talking. You married this person and made kids with her for a reason, and I guarantee poker was not it.

If you want my opinion, here it is and you can trash it, don't care. If you want to stay married, cut your poker time back. If you quit completely, you will blame her, and she will think you are a wuss for folding to her will, and you end up divorced. If you cut it back, you both get a win, play 2-3 times a month and use that other time just for her. She'll appreciate you listened to her, and you can have fun, and since it is less often, you will appreciate it more. Keep ignoring her opinion or not talking about it, you'll end up divorced.

I am Catholic by birth but that is about it, and every year, I give up something for Lent, even though I don't think God cares about me giving up coffee for 40+ days, it is for me to make sure I can control my urges or desires consciously at first, and then it becomes habit. Funny how afterwards, I find myself doing less of whatever it is I gave up. If you don't think you are "addicted" try 6 weeks cold turkey. At the end of the period, see how you feel. And talk to her, let her know how you feel during the process as it will help you understand yourself better. You may find that poker is an incredible time sink and she is right, but you can still play, just not every week.

Bottom line, you are asking casual acquaintances for marriage advice. Talk to her about it, or talk with someone who has actual training in relationships. Coming to a poker board asking if playing poker is bad for a relationship is like asking potheads if they should legalize pot, the answers are going to agree to your position.

Best wishes,

BiGGyT


Well written sir.
 
I play about twice a month, with my Bank Roll and not house money also, I do however talk with my wife about when I can scheduled a game and when I can go to one so that it doesn't interfere with the kids and her. She does all that she can to help me set up the games..

I believe if you were addicted you would be playing a lot more than you are now. as far as CT and PCF, well thats just good internet......
 
jbutler what do you think the shipping cost would be to get a chip from the Columbia Void? What do you think they use as the base substance for chips? Is it superior to a Paulson?

Sorry for the derail, just first time I'd ever seen that. I've never looked for it either.

Addicted and obsessed are two different thing. You're probably more of the latter. My wife thinks I'm obsessed with poker chips right now but like anything with me in time it'll fade and I'll be onto something new. Not that I'll stop liking poker or chips I'll just devote more free time to something else. But BiGGyT probably said all you need to hear.
 
I have way too much respect for my wife to even consider telling her how she should be spending her time (and vice-versus). We are both life partners and extremely close friends, and sharing our feelings on various subjects comes pretty naturally, whether or not we agree. And because we respect each other and each other's opinions, there is rarely any friction between us (one minor quibble in eight years, which was actually more of a misunderstanding than a disagreement).

I don't think OP's wife respects him or his opinion. They have a lot bigger problem at the root of all this than just him playing poker.
 
This is how you handle these things. Have to replace dishes with pokers in a round-about fashion but this can be used for your general template. Guaranteed to work like a charm.

Disclaimer: I should probably mention that I am, in fact, divorced...
 
If what you are doing is causing a problem and you continue to do it than at the very least it's a problem. People exhibiting addictive behavior tend to increasingly place their addictive behavior in front of other things that are important in their lives. In other words, it's not that they care less about what is important in their lives, but rather, they progressively care more about there addictive behavior. If this behavior is not causing problems for you than it's not a problem. Most addictions if not all addictions include some form of an obsession of the mind. In other words, if you are thinking about playing poker all the time that could be a symptom of an addiction. If you think it's causing a problem, or someone close to you thinks it's a problem, than at the very least it should be looked at honestly. All addictive behavior is rooted in self deception. If you are lying about when you are playing and or how much it's costing then I would suggest that behavior is symptomatic of an addiction. If you are lying about anything related to playing poker than it's probably a problem to some degree or other. At the end of the day how important is your relationship with your wife? How important is playing poker? Is this really just a reasonable difference in values or is there more going on here? You are the only one who can answer those questions and it sounds like they might be good questions to ask yourself. In any event I hope this helps. I wish you and your wife the very best and if you continue to play good luck!
 
I had a serious chat with the wife, and she admitted she doesn't believe I'm addicted.. She was was having a rough weekend with the kids (during the MTTD), and I've probably been MIA of late, with planning, etc... For sure, I'll work to spend more time with the family. Poker is not the enemy here.

Not going into relationship specifics, as this is an unforgiving judgmental bunch (at times). Ha. I think with all relationships, they take work. Mine is no exception. But at this point, I think it's all good (more denial? Lol).

Thanks for all the feedback and input.

Ps. Officially, according to gamblers anonymous I'm not an addict. :)
 
Good to hear you are working things out! Now when are you going to start working on your new poker table :)
 
Good to hear you are working things out! Now when are you going to start working on your new poker table :)

Ha. Bunch of enablers in here. Good question though.:D
 
I had a serious chat with the wife, and she admitted she doesn't believe I'm addicted.. She was was having a rough weekend with the kids (during the MTTD), and I've probably been MIA of late, with planning, etc... For sure, I'll work to spend more time with the family. Poker is not the enemy here.

Not going into relationship specifics, as this is an unforgiving judgmental bunch (at times). Ha. I think with all relationships, they take work. Mine is no exception. But at this point, I think it's all good (more denial? Lol).

Thanks for all the feedback and input.

Ps. Officially, according to gamblers anonymous I'm not an addict. :)


You got it half right. We're judgmental, but forgiving.
 
Good to hear you are working things out! Now when are you going to start working on your new poker table :)

Picking up lumber Thursday morning. I'll be tired... Since to answer BGs question, yes I'm playing tonight. :).
 

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