bergs
Royal Flush
Somehow I've won 2 games this year. To the people that forgot to update their lineup those 2 weeks, I want to say thank you, and I appreciate your negligence.
(Just checked - one of the guys that forgot to start a kicker actually beat me. FML).
Let's look at what football general managers call "The Roster", and what I call "The Shortcut In My Browser That Makes Me Dry Heave And Call For Mommy".
Ladies and gentlemen, "Isray's Drunk Bus":
1st - CUT - Jamaal Charles. Out for year w/ injured ACL. Pussy.
4th - CUT - Jimmy Graham (received in trade). Not featured in Seattle offense. Or any offense. Anywhere. Ever.
5th - CUT - DeSean Jackson. Torn hamstring first quarter of week 1. I was not sober in the 5th round, FWIW.
8th - CUT - Tevin Coleman. Broke ribs in week 2. Lost job to a woman named Devonta Freeman in his absence. .
9th - CUT - Roddy White. Old and sucks.
10th - CUT - Bishop Sankey. Young and sucks.
11th - CUT - Tony Romo. Out for 10 weeks with broken vagina.
12th - CUT - Texas Defense. The DB Cooper of National Football League (tm) defenses.
13th - CUT - DeAngelo Williams. I wanted a guy nicknamed "Cadillac" in round 13.
14th - CUT - Darren Sproles. Small and sucks.
15th - CUT - Dan Bailey. Can't kick field goals with Weeden stalling drives at his own 15 yard line.
16th - CUT - David Johnson. 3rd best running on his team...with the last name "Johnson".
I still have my 2nd pick (Calvin Johnson) but he blows because he's getting thrown the ball by a guy who looks like he suffered 1000 bee stings to the face (The Quarterback Formerly Known As Matt Stafford). I'm not making fun of Fat Face Stafford. I feel for the guy. Hell, you try to throw a football 25 yards into double coverage with a face swelled up like the goddamn Goodyear Blimp. Shit ain't easy.
I still have my 3rd pick too (TJ Hilton) but he's getting thrown the football (or not thrown, as the case may be) by a guy who's famous for having a wife on that chick program "The View". Yeah, the one from Survivor with the big boobs. The chick I mean, not the quarterback. I actually forget the QB's name. Fuck that guy. Who gives a flying shit about the Colts anyway?
I also still have my 6th pick (Arian Foster). Arian actually came back from an injury, unlike the rest of my roster, but give him time, he'll blow out something. I'm pulling for you Arian. Every Houston Texan offensive play that doesn't involve a golf cart with a stretcher being driven onto the field makes me first pump in sheer, unadulterated joy.
My 7th pick (Travis Kelce), is a passably good tight end, and by 'passably good', I mean he can actually walk from the bench, to the huddle, and then line up and amble somewhere. Attaboy Travis. Your ability to lumber 50 yards in 8.4 minutes makes me want to run out by your jersey. Unfortunately, I just called Kansas City's pro shop and they laughed at me and asked me if I'd like a Len Dawson jersey instead. I can't pass up a $180 authentic jersey from the Super Bowl MVP from 1874, so I said yes, here's my credit card number. Fuck Kansas City with Meriwether Lewis' petrified walking stick.
Luckily I picked up everyone's favorite red headed stepchild (Andy Dalton) at QB and James Jones from GB at WR/Flex. I have nothing funny to say about a guy named "James Jones", and any picture of Andy Dalton is immediate comic relief in it's own right, so let's move on.
I grabbed some guy named Knife Davis, who's only real purpose is to hopefully replace some of the offense that I lost when Jamaal Charles' knee turned into a bowl of baked potato soup. (Note: it's Knile Davis, but fucking whatever).
I scooped up Arian Foster's backup, named Alfred Blue, or has some people disaffectionally call him "Awyou Blew". I'm not even sure that Awyou Blew has, like, you know, legs.
I just glanced at the bottom of the pathetic list of names that comprise my god-awful roster and found some guy named Ryan Matthews. I know nothing about Ryan Matthews, except that he backs up DeMarco Murray who is probably suffering fatigue from carrying the ball for Dallas 9,489,354 times last year. Ryan Matthews is what happens when you make waiver wire pickups at 3:00am from a poker table at the Mohegan Sun after last call. Don't be "Drunk Waiver Wire Roster Filling Guy". Get DirecTV.
My kicker and defense is a revolving door. I usually repeat names at the dinner table to my dog until he barks at one. He's actually barking because I'm doing saying these names with a mouthful of steak and he wants some, but fucking whatever, Justin Tucker got me some points this weekend. Thanks little buddy.
In closing, I'm no expert, but when you cut 13 of your 16 draft choices by week 5, you're probably not going to have a successive season. Fuck football with the unleashed fury of a thousand red giant suns. When does fantasy croquet start?
(Just checked - one of the guys that forgot to start a kicker actually beat me. FML).
Let's look at what football general managers call "The Roster", and what I call "The Shortcut In My Browser That Makes Me Dry Heave And Call For Mommy".
Ladies and gentlemen, "Isray's Drunk Bus":
1st - CUT - Jamaal Charles. Out for year w/ injured ACL. Pussy.
4th - CUT - Jimmy Graham (received in trade). Not featured in Seattle offense. Or any offense. Anywhere. Ever.
5th - CUT - DeSean Jackson. Torn hamstring first quarter of week 1. I was not sober in the 5th round, FWIW.
8th - CUT - Tevin Coleman. Broke ribs in week 2. Lost job to a woman named Devonta Freeman in his absence. .
9th - CUT - Roddy White. Old and sucks.
10th - CUT - Bishop Sankey. Young and sucks.
11th - CUT - Tony Romo. Out for 10 weeks with broken vagina.
12th - CUT - Texas Defense. The DB Cooper of National Football League (tm) defenses.
13th - CUT - DeAngelo Williams. I wanted a guy nicknamed "Cadillac" in round 13.
14th - CUT - Darren Sproles. Small and sucks.
15th - CUT - Dan Bailey. Can't kick field goals with Weeden stalling drives at his own 15 yard line.
16th - CUT - David Johnson. 3rd best running on his team...with the last name "Johnson".
I still have my 2nd pick (Calvin Johnson) but he blows because he's getting thrown the ball by a guy who looks like he suffered 1000 bee stings to the face (The Quarterback Formerly Known As Matt Stafford). I'm not making fun of Fat Face Stafford. I feel for the guy. Hell, you try to throw a football 25 yards into double coverage with a face swelled up like the goddamn Goodyear Blimp. Shit ain't easy.
I still have my 3rd pick too (TJ Hilton) but he's getting thrown the football (or not thrown, as the case may be) by a guy who's famous for having a wife on that chick program "The View". Yeah, the one from Survivor with the big boobs. The chick I mean, not the quarterback. I actually forget the QB's name. Fuck that guy. Who gives a flying shit about the Colts anyway?
I also still have my 6th pick (Arian Foster). Arian actually came back from an injury, unlike the rest of my roster, but give him time, he'll blow out something. I'm pulling for you Arian. Every Houston Texan offensive play that doesn't involve a golf cart with a stretcher being driven onto the field makes me first pump in sheer, unadulterated joy.
My 7th pick (Travis Kelce), is a passably good tight end, and by 'passably good', I mean he can actually walk from the bench, to the huddle, and then line up and amble somewhere. Attaboy Travis. Your ability to lumber 50 yards in 8.4 minutes makes me want to run out by your jersey. Unfortunately, I just called Kansas City's pro shop and they laughed at me and asked me if I'd like a Len Dawson jersey instead. I can't pass up a $180 authentic jersey from the Super Bowl MVP from 1874, so I said yes, here's my credit card number. Fuck Kansas City with Meriwether Lewis' petrified walking stick.
Luckily I picked up everyone's favorite red headed stepchild (Andy Dalton) at QB and James Jones from GB at WR/Flex. I have nothing funny to say about a guy named "James Jones", and any picture of Andy Dalton is immediate comic relief in it's own right, so let's move on.
I grabbed some guy named Knife Davis, who's only real purpose is to hopefully replace some of the offense that I lost when Jamaal Charles' knee turned into a bowl of baked potato soup. (Note: it's Knile Davis, but fucking whatever).
I scooped up Arian Foster's backup, named Alfred Blue, or has some people disaffectionally call him "Awyou Blew". I'm not even sure that Awyou Blew has, like, you know, legs.
I just glanced at the bottom of the pathetic list of names that comprise my god-awful roster and found some guy named Ryan Matthews. I know nothing about Ryan Matthews, except that he backs up DeMarco Murray who is probably suffering fatigue from carrying the ball for Dallas 9,489,354 times last year. Ryan Matthews is what happens when you make waiver wire pickups at 3:00am from a poker table at the Mohegan Sun after last call. Don't be "Drunk Waiver Wire Roster Filling Guy". Get DirecTV.
My kicker and defense is a revolving door. I usually repeat names at the dinner table to my dog until he barks at one. He's actually barking because I'm doing saying these names with a mouthful of steak and he wants some, but fucking whatever, Justin Tucker got me some points this weekend. Thanks little buddy.
In closing, I'm no expert, but when you cut 13 of your 16 draft choices by week 5, you're probably not going to have a successive season. Fuck football with the unleashed fury of a thousand red giant suns. When does fantasy croquet start?
