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Go Ahead ... Any length, any rating .. 
Tell Me A Good Joke Please .. (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter Blaster
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gopherblue
Straight Flush
What's the last thing to go through the mind of a bug when it hits your windshield?
Its butt.
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week...don't forget to tip your waitresses and please, try the veal!
Its butt.
Thank you, thank you. I'll be here all week...don't forget to tip your waitresses and please, try the veal!
manamongkids
Full House
whats marios favorite outfit?
denim denim denim
denim denim denim
Guy is walking down a small downtown main street at dusk and goes into the last office open and says, "I need to see the doctor - it's an emergency."
The woman at the desk says, "Sir this is a dentist's office and we're closing."
Guys says, "Just get the doctor."
Dentist comes out and say, "What's the problem?"
Guy says, "Doc, I know it sounds crazy, but I believe I'm a moth."
Dentist says, "Sir you understand I'm a dentist. You need a psychiatrist. Why did you come here in the first place?"
The woman at the desk says, "Sir this is a dentist's office and we're closing."
Guys says, "Just get the doctor."
Dentist comes out and say, "What's the problem?"
Guy says, "Doc, I know it sounds crazy, but I believe I'm a moth."
Dentist says, "Sir you understand I'm a dentist. You need a psychiatrist. Why did you come here in the first place?"
Guy says, "The light was on."
detroitdad
Royal Flush
I'm a great poker player
Poker Zombie
Royal Flush
It's Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. "No" says the neighbor. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible," said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?" The neighbor says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh, I'm so sorry to hear that. That's terrible... But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No,” he says. “They're all at the funeral."
Forest@Farmington
Straight
Have a gross joke for you.
144
144
Poker Zombie
Royal Flush
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"
A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said
to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized
the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that
they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they
reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she
said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said
to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it
should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized
the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was enraged that
they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they
reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look," she
said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
OP
OP
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- Northern NJ and NY/Long Island Areas
Ms. Smith is teaching her 1st grade class. She is asking her class for a word for each letter of the Alphabet.
" A ? "
Little Jimmy's hand goes flying up into the air.
" Jimmy?"
"Ass" , says Jimmy.
Ms Smith says "Oh my goodness, don't say something like that!, "OK" says Little Jimmy.
" Anyway, now how about a word for "B"
Again Jimmy's hand goes up & she picks him.
" Bitch.".. She again yells at him, & he promises he will be good.
" A word for "C" ?
Jimmy's hand is the only one up, & she reluctantly calls on him again.
"c*nt". he says. She again blushes, scolds him, & he swears he will be OK.
She calls for a word for "D", & Jimmy is raising his hand. She thinks about it, & says to herself, "Not for this letter", & picks another kid...
For the letter " F" , Little Jimmy's hand is waving wildly in the air. She avoids Jimmy & picks another kid.. She thinks about the next letters, & picks on others, despite Jimmy's frantic hand waving.
When she gets to the letter " R " Jimmy's hand is of course up.
Ms. Smith thinks, .. Hmm.. No way he can do any harm with "R", So she calls on Little Jimmy.
Jimmy replies; " Rats. .. Big, Fuckin' Rats."
" A ? "
Little Jimmy's hand goes flying up into the air.
" Jimmy?"
"Ass" , says Jimmy.
Ms Smith says "Oh my goodness, don't say something like that!, "OK" says Little Jimmy.
" Anyway, now how about a word for "B"
Again Jimmy's hand goes up & she picks him.
" Bitch.".. She again yells at him, & he promises he will be good.
" A word for "C" ?
Jimmy's hand is the only one up, & she reluctantly calls on him again.
"c*nt". he says. She again blushes, scolds him, & he swears he will be OK.
She calls for a word for "D", & Jimmy is raising his hand. She thinks about it, & says to herself, "Not for this letter", & picks another kid...
For the letter " F" , Little Jimmy's hand is waving wildly in the air. She avoids Jimmy & picks another kid.. She thinks about the next letters, & picks on others, despite Jimmy's frantic hand waving.
When she gets to the letter " R " Jimmy's hand is of course up.
Ms. Smith thinks, .. Hmm.. No way he can do any harm with "R", So she calls on Little Jimmy.
Jimmy replies; " Rats. .. Big, Fuckin' Rats."
Last edited:
OklahomaBill
Two Pair
Three Nuns Die in a terrible car crash. They are standing in line at the Pearly Gates talking to Saint Peter. Finally saint Peter says " Sisters, I know you have all led Good lives but before I can let you in to Heaven you will need to answer some questions.
He goes to the First sister and asks " Sister, who was the first man on Earth ?" She answers " That's easy Saint Peter, Adam was the first man." Gates open up she goes on in.
He goes to the second Sister " Who was the first Woman on Earth ? " She answers " that's easy Saint Peter, Eve was the First woman." Gates open up, she goes on In.
He goes to the third Sister and asks " Sister, what were the first words that Eve spoke to Adam ?" she thought and thought and couldn't ever remember hearing what the answer might be so she blurts out " That's a hard one Saint Peter" gates open up...
He goes to the First sister and asks " Sister, who was the first man on Earth ?" She answers " That's easy Saint Peter, Adam was the first man." Gates open up she goes on in.
He goes to the second Sister " Who was the first Woman on Earth ? " She answers " that's easy Saint Peter, Eve was the First woman." Gates open up, she goes on In.
He goes to the third Sister and asks " Sister, what were the first words that Eve spoke to Adam ?" she thought and thought and couldn't ever remember hearing what the answer might be so she blurts out " That's a hard one Saint Peter" gates open up...
Poker Zombie
Royal Flush
True story: 2nd or 3rd grade, we were correcting a multiple choice test. The format was to say which answer (A,B,C or D) you picked , and use a word to clairify ie "A as in Apple".
It came around to me, and I said "D as in Dildo". The class erupted in laughter. Apparently I was the only one without older siblings that could have told me what that word meant. To me it was just a funny word.
Ever the comedian, when it came back around to me, I stated the next answer - "A an in Another dildo"
The principal (sort of) explained the situation to me.
I still think it's a funny word though.
It came around to me, and I said "D as in Dildo". The class erupted in laughter. Apparently I was the only one without older siblings that could have told me what that word meant. To me it was just a funny word.
Ever the comedian, when it came back around to me, I stated the next answer - "A an in Another dildo"
The principal (sort of) explained the situation to me.
I still think it's a funny word though.
Ben
Full House
Two nuns come out of their convent and get in their car to drive to church when suddenly Dracula jumps out in front of them menacingly. The nun driving says "Quick, show him your cross!" The other nun leans out the window and yells "get out of the road, asshole!"
An oldie:
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with
her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her
that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT
FOR APARTMENT .'
On the way to his office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So
he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following
typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but
if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady."
A businessman met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with
her for $500. They did their thing, and, before he left, he told her
that he did not have any cash with him, but he would have his
secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment 'RENT
FOR APARTMENT .'
On the way to his office, he regretted what he had
done, realizing that the whole event had not been worth the price. So
he had his secretary send a check for $250 and enclose the following
typed note:
"Dear Madam:
Enclosed find a check for $250 for rent of your apartment . I am not
sending the amount agreed upon, because when I rented the place, I was
under the impression that:
#1 - it had never been occupied;
#2 - there was plenty of heat; and
#3 - it was small enough to make me feel cozy and at home.
However, I found out that:
#1 - it had been previously occupied,
#2 - there wasn't any heat, and
#3 - it was entirely too large."
Upon receipt of the note, the girl immediately returned the check for
$250 with the following note:
"Dear Sir:
#1 - I cannot understand how you could expect a beautiful apartment to
remain unoccupied indefinitely.
#2 - As for the heat, there is plenty of it, if you know how to turn it on.
#3 - Regarding the space, the apartment is indeed of regular size, but
if you don't have enough furniture to fill it, please do not blame the
management.
Please send the rent in full or we will be forced to
contact your present landlady."
A man is walking through the woods one day when he stumbles out into a perfectly round open field. He noticed a well in the middle of the field so he walks over and looks down. It is a bright, sunny day with the sun directly overhead yet he can not see the bottom.
The man picks up a small pebble and tosses it into the well and he listens... listens... but he doesn't hear it hit. "Wow, that's a pretty deep hole" he thinks to himself.
On the edge of the field he finds a small boulder about the size of his head, lugs it over and hurls it in as well. He listens... listens... listens... and again, nothing. He stands up and joyfully exclaims to himself "That is one DEEP fucking hole!!!"
He then noticed an old railroad tie lying on the ground nearby so he pulls it over to the hole and shoves it in. Again, he listens... listens... All of a sudden he hears a commotion behind him, turns around just in time to see a goat running out of the woods barreling directly at him with a full head of steam. The man dives out of the way at the last moment and watches horrified as the goat tears ass past him and jumps right in the hole. He lays his head back, looks up into the sun and says "what the fuck was that?!?!"
A couple minutes later another man walks out of the woods into the clearing, sees the other man lying there and says "hey buddy, have you seen a goat around here anywhere?"
"As a matter of fact, a crazy ass goat just came out of the woods, tried to run me down and jumped right in this fucking hole!"
"Oh, well that couldn't have been my goat. My goat was tied to a railroad tie."
The man picks up a small pebble and tosses it into the well and he listens... listens... but he doesn't hear it hit. "Wow, that's a pretty deep hole" he thinks to himself.
On the edge of the field he finds a small boulder about the size of his head, lugs it over and hurls it in as well. He listens... listens... listens... and again, nothing. He stands up and joyfully exclaims to himself "That is one DEEP fucking hole!!!"
He then noticed an old railroad tie lying on the ground nearby so he pulls it over to the hole and shoves it in. Again, he listens... listens... All of a sudden he hears a commotion behind him, turns around just in time to see a goat running out of the woods barreling directly at him with a full head of steam. The man dives out of the way at the last moment and watches horrified as the goat tears ass past him and jumps right in the hole. He lays his head back, looks up into the sun and says "what the fuck was that?!?!"
A couple minutes later another man walks out of the woods into the clearing, sees the other man lying there and says "hey buddy, have you seen a goat around here anywhere?"
"As a matter of fact, a crazy ass goat just came out of the woods, tried to run me down and jumped right in this fucking hole!"
"Oh, well that couldn't have been my goat. My goat was tied to a railroad tie."
bogart
Two Pair
Johnny was walking to school one day when he picked up a stick and threw it right up a cow's butt. The cow falls over and Jimmy freaks out and doesn't know what to do. He arrives late to school and the teacher asks why he's late.
Jimmy frantically replies,"I picked up a stick and threw up a cow's ASS!!!"
Teacher says,"that's rectum Johnny, rectum"
Jimmy, "rectum, I damn near killed him!"
Jimmy frantically replies,"I picked up a stick and threw up a cow's ASS!!!"
Teacher says,"that's rectum Johnny, rectum"
Jimmy, "rectum, I damn near killed him!"
bogart
Two Pair
Cow walks up to a horse and says, "Why the long face?"
Big Jilm
4 of a Kind
Superman is cruising at high altitude when he spots Wonder Woman naked on the beach of an island. Just lying there naked, apparently loving life sexually. She is really getting into it and Superman thinks, OMG I am the man of steel......I could go down there, hit that, and be out before anyone ever knew I was there.
He decides to do it. BAM! In and out before anyone could notice.
Wonder Woman gets up and says damn!! What the hell was that??
The invisible man gets up and says, I don't know....but my ass is killing me!
here is another:
What is better than a dead baby nailed to the ceiling?
I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
He decides to do it. BAM! In and out before anyone could notice.
Wonder Woman gets up and says damn!! What the hell was that??
The invisible man gets up and says, I don't know....but my ass is killing me!
here is another:
What is better than a dead baby nailed to the ceiling?
I don't know, I was too busy masturbating.
Jeez, I haven't heard a dead baby joke since the 1960's. I'd forgotten all about them.
If anyone starts posting elephant jokes, I'm going to have to hunt you down and kill you, just to save humanity...
So the female helps a dude out with a blow job, and he starts gobbling up all the sea men. That's fucked up!
...is what I was going to say. Then I read the one about the dead baby.
The Aristocrats!
luckbox
Straight
two guys walkin down the road, see a dog lickin his balls, one guy says "man i wish i could do that" second man says " you better pet him first"
teacher asks the little rascals "who can use the word "dictate" in a sentence?" buckwheat raises his hand " spanky say my dictate good"
what is an amish guy on the side of the road with his arm up a horse's ass?....a mechanic
why does it take women so long to have an orgasm? ......who cares
two identical twins are on opposites side of the earth, one is on a tightrope walking over Niagra Falls, the other getting a blow job from an 80 year old woman...what are they both thinking at the exact same time?........"dont look down"
teacher asks the little rascals "who can use the word "dictate" in a sentence?" buckwheat raises his hand " spanky say my dictate good"
what is an amish guy on the side of the road with his arm up a horse's ass?....a mechanic
why does it take women so long to have an orgasm? ......who cares
two identical twins are on opposites side of the earth, one is on a tightrope walking over Niagra Falls, the other getting a blow job from an 80 year old woman...what are they both thinking at the exact same time?........"dont look down"
luckbox
Straight
tie for sickest fucker in the thread contest
what is the difference between a refrigerator and a gay guy.......the refrigerator doesnt fart when you pull your meat out
Last edited:
bentax1978
4 of a Kind
I'm not sure it was really unexpected.
I've got one but I was actually perma banned from a forum before for telling it so maybe not. But considering what's been told I don't think it's that bad.
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