Need help, life advice..... (1 Viewer)

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badpokerplayer

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So in the last few years, things have really been going decently. I'm young(relatively), have a great job, a decent life out here in Vegas, but something has been missing. It's easy to find girls out here, but finding a girl to spend any length of time with is very hard, more about money and finding someone to take care of them.

About a year ago, I met a girl at work when we ended up in the same fantasy football league. But her and I have been spending a lot of time at work together, and people notice(working in a casino is like working in the smallest high school). We haven't gone out, mostly because I have some stupid hang ups about her, but my question is, my life is simple now. Nothing but golf, broads, work and gambling. Should i complicate things by starting a thing with this girl? She has a kid, which is my biggest hang up. And, well, TBH I dislike kids. Even if they're older.
 
badpokerplayer said:
Should i complicate things by starting a thing with this girl? She has a kid, which is my biggest hang up. And, well, TBH I dislike kids. Even if they're older.
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Married 20 years - I think you have answered your own question. Keep it in your pants this time.
 
In short, no. Don't "start a thing." If you enjoy hanging with her, then keep doing that. If she tries to put some definition around the relationship then be straightforward with her at that time and let her know your hesitation to dive in too deeply. Of course at that point she may withdraw some and you'd have to be okay with that.

But no, if life is good and you're enjoying where you're at, don't start a thing when there's already a roadblock in front of it, especially when you're looking at something long term/marriage.
 
My opinion, not knowing you or her or whatever. No.

You summed it up, you don't like kids and you have hang ups about her. Don't f-up the kid, the job, or whatever, find a better situation.

I have been married 20 years to a co-worker. I like to say she picked me up at a bar. We worked together at a restaurant that I was bartending at and she was waiting tables. It was not love at first sight, and we dated for 3 years while I finished my degree, then got married. I am not saying don't "have fun", but let her know it is just fun, or if it is going to be a problem at work, don't even start. As the saying goes, don't go fishing in the company pond, because it probably will cause problems. If a customer flirts with you, it can cause problems, I know from personal experience.

So easy short answer - no. Go have fun, you'll meet someone that does not have all the problems you see in her, or maybe someday they will not be problems, people change - but only themselves, others cannot change you.

BiGGyT
 
derekdd23 said:
I guarantee the most important thing in her life is her kid. If you are not willing to share that part of her life then it is best to move on.
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This I think is the worst part(Not that the kid is the most important thing, but that I'm such a schmuck I can't get over the fact she has a kid). If the kid wasn't there I think I'd be all in with this girl. The kid is older so it's not like it's a toddler.
 
badpokerplayer said:
This I think is the worst part(Not that the kid is the most important thing, but that I'm such a schmuck I can't get over the fact she has a kid). If the kid wasn't there I think I'd be all in with this girl. The kid is older so it's not like it's a toddler.
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No, no, no. You're not a schmuck for the kid thing. Kids aren't for everyone. Other people's children DEFINITELY aren't for everyone. It's just a preference, and one you are absolutely entitled to have without feeling negatively towards yourself. She has a child. That's okay. You don't want to deal with a child/her child right now. That's okay, too.
 
Psypher1000 said:
No, no, no. You're not a schmuck for the kid thing. Kids aren't for everyone. Other people's children DEFINITELY aren't for everyone. It's just a preference, and one you are absolutely entitled to have without feeling negatively towards yourself. She has a child. That's okay. You don't want to deal with a child/her child right now. That's okay, too.
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True, I just think that I'm missing a great opportunity with a great person. But I think you're all right. Trust me, the kid thing isn't the only hang up I have, but the others I can get over, as they're in the past. Sorry, I don't have many friends i can discuss this stuff with out here, so I thought I'd lob it to you guys.
 
Based on the fact you don't like kids, of any age I would say do her a favor and steer clear. While you perceive embracing this opportunity as "complicating" your "simple" life you also tilt your own hand. Your choice of words in describing your situation also tends to explain most likely why you are meeting the kinds of women you're meeting.
I say open your mind a little. Try this relationship. She hasn't ask you to be a father and you shouldn't feel obligated to take that roll. And if I sound cold it's because I was in her shoes until someone took a chance on me. We now have 3 more kids and I wouldn't change a thing.

Edit: steer clear. The more I read your post the more I realize you aren't ready for this lifestyle.
 
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Damn, so close.
I was going to offer my input on your situation but then realized I'm probably the wrong person to ask for relationship advice.
You are in Vegas; you could always roll the dice.
 
My brother was in similar shoes and went from playing to shit or get off the pot. He shit. They've been married a few years has a 13 yr old step son and a 6 yr old son of his own.

People change...everyone has a past...he'll she might have an issue with all of your broads.

You never know until you try...just be honest...up front.
 
Quicksilver-75 said:
Based on the fact you don't like kids, of any age I would say do her a favor and steer clear. While you perceive embracing this opportunity as "complicating" your "simple" life you also tilt your own hand. Your choice of words in describing your situation also tends to explain most likely why you are meeting the kinds of women you're meeting.
I say open your mind a little. Try this relationship. She hasn't ask you to be a father and you shouldn't feel obligated to take that roll. And if I sound cold it's because I was in her shoes until someone took a chance on me. We now have 3 more kids and I wouldn't change a thing.
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No, you are making a lot of sense, not cold at all. I think this is the advice I should take....
 
badpokerplayer said:
No, you are making a lot of sense, not cold at all. I think this is the advice I should take....
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Seriously I would give her a chance. Take it slow. I think you'll benefit from the situation. At the very least you may learn and grow. Maybe it works out and maybe it doesn't. But at the end of the day you will definitely walk away with a new appreciation for a single parent's situation. It wasn't more complicated. Just different. My wife felt the same way you do now. Anybody would. But it's not a gamble. It's a leap of faith.

Ps. If it works and don't have anymore kids you'll have managed to skip the diaper-changing years ;)
 
Quicksilver-75 said:
Seriously I would give her a chance. Take it slow. I think you'll benefit from the situation. At the very least you may learn and grow. Maybe it works out and maybe it doesn't. But at the end of the day you will definitely walk away with a new appreciation for a single parent's situation. It wasn't more complicated. Just different. My wife felt the same way you do now. Anybody would. But it's not a gamble. It's a leap of faith.
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Well I think you're right, I think this girl is wonderful, and I would be crushed if I let someone else date her before I had a chance to see if there could really be something there. Thank you, really give me something to think about
 
Quicksilver-75 said:
.

Ps. If it works and don't have anymore kids you'll have managed to skip the diaper-changing years ;)
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Isn't that the truth! Thanks man you made a lot of sense. If I take a shot and miss Im more okay with that then not taking a shot and wondering what could have been. Even if it does complicate my easy life....
 
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I was in your exact situation about 10 years ago. I met a girl that I really enjoyed having fun with, but she had a kid a year out of highschool. I told her I wasn't into kids and we were just having fun...We got married two years ago and my son (stepson, but he's all I've ever known) will turn 18 in June.

I never ever ever pictured myself in such a situation, I've never even been 100% sure on wanting kids of my own, but I learned to never say never again because I wouldn't change a thing. A LOT depends on the kid, in my case my son is such an incredible person that it was real hard not to fall for him as well, even when he was 7 years old. I don't think there is anyway I could have done this if the kid was a "bad" kid... So yeah, I got to skip the diaper changing part, I got to watch a kid turn into a young man, and I found a girl that I swear is on another level of kindness that I could never even think of approaching, I'm so happy I didn't walk away in the beginning.

If you don't like kids and don't want any you should steer clear, the "non fucking up" of the kid should be first priority, but all I'm saying is I was the same exact person as you ten years ago and I wouldn't change a thing about who I am today.


EDIT: To make it readable. Sometimes I start typing and then get distracted (or the light turns green) and then come back to it to start again...then I actually read what I post and go "wtf, that makes no sense.".
 
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I'm in the same boat as 12thMan. I never ever would have thought that I would be a step parent but I am so glad that I gave it a chance. I too am fortunate that he is a great kid-although I pride myself on doing the best job I could to be a positive force and as good of an example as I could be. It can be scary but it can be so hard to find a girl that you truly click with and can make a life with that it might be worth taking a chance. We were careful at first not wanting to damage him if things didn't work out. At first my stepson just thought I was friends with his mom (he was 7) and he actually had a man to man talk with me and encouraged me to date his mom as she just couldn't find a man (this makes me smile every time I think about it).

As others have said if you truly can't handle kids that is huge. But like many people I think my kid is amazing and everybody else's kids are annoying ;)
 
What's wrong with a casual bone? You're not buying a ring. Maybe she'll teach you a few things about yourself and you can move on (or in) from there. No need to priss about it. Minimal risk IMO. "But I don't want to ruin our friendship" thinking? Meh, if you stay friends you'll bone eventually.

I'm 22 years with my wife, married 18 lol. I'm jealous of you.
 
I have to admit that I laughed out loud when I read psypher's usual sig "Keep Calm and Get Samples" in the middle of this advice thread.

Thanks -- I needed that. :p
 
It appears you are viewing this as a life-changing decision... why? How long has it been (if ever) since you've been in any type of relationship that you would have described as "serious" while it was going on? It doesn't have to be a big deal if you ask her out and it doesn't have to be taboo if it doesn't work out. The vast majority of relationships for the vast majority of people end up in a break-up, I don't understand the awkwardness or animosity when something just doesn't work out.

If you go in to this with an ALL-IN attitude it's not going to work. It can't work. It's far too much pressure, it's unfair to her, and someone is going to end up getting hurt. You are entirely in the wrong frame of mind for this in my humble opinion.
 
Ronoh said:
It appears you are viewing this as a life-changing decision... why? How long has it been (if ever) since you've been in any type of relationship that you would have described as "serious" while it was going on? It doesn't have to be a big deal if you ask her out and it doesn't have to be taboo if it doesn't work out. The vast majority of relationships for the vast majority of people end up in a break-up, I don't understand the awkwardness or animosity when something just doesn't work out.

If you go in to this with an ALL-IN attitude it's not going to work. It can't work. It's far too much pressure, it's unfair to her, and someone is going to end up getting hurt. You are entirely in the wrong frame of mind for this in my humble opinion.
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True. Im looking at it as we've been going back and fourth for almost a year...and really feel something special could come of it, but if it doesn't work out when we go out im ok with that too. But I do have real feelings beyond just a "casual bone" ..
 
are you sure your not CnG from perfectmancave? The OP, the replies, everything sounds just like him.
 

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