Depending on the dessert, a glass of milk seems perfectly reasonable.
Funniest thing you've heard at the poker table (2 Viewers)
- Thread starter bmichaelhorn
- Start date
Maybe,but I wouldn’t just for the fact that I’m ordering from a cocktail waitress...unless it’s a White Russian, but whole milk? Lol
Years ago playing hold em at the Luxor.
Aussie, who’s drunk out of his gourd, is mistakenly given 3 hole cards. He is betting them like mad but doesn’t realize there’s a problem. At the turn he sees it and tells the dealer. The dealer calls the boss over who declares: “I’m sorry sir, but your hand is dead.”
Aussie exclaims: “but I had a great hand!”
Aussie, who’s drunk out of his gourd, is mistakenly given 3 hole cards. He is betting them like mad but doesn’t realize there’s a problem. At the turn he sees it and tells the dealer. The dealer calls the boss over who declares: “I’m sorry sir, but your hand is dead.”
Aussie exclaims: “but I had a great hand!”
PlayerADK
Flush
Nastiest thing I've ever heard - From 2+2:
"
I was playing 1-2 at Winstar in Oklahoma. I get seated, and as I'm waiting for my chips, unracking, etc the guy next to me gets felted by crazy asian lady. As he gets up he mutters, "good luck with the chip cleaner"
I thought maybe he was referring to her cleaning him out of chips.
I'm not sure if this lady is crazy, high or what but it was the most insane poker I've ever seen. As soon as the dealer pushed the pot, she would announce what she was doing next hand. Like "Raise 20 before flop. I tell you, I raise 20!" and sure enough she would raise 20 before looking at her cards. Some hands she'd proclaim, "ten dollar every time" and unless someone bet bigger, that's what she would do. unless someone re-raised her big she wouldn't even look at her cards till the turn or river.
She busted aces 4 times in 2 orbits with random cards, and had over 1000 in front of her and I'm thinking this is the greatest table ever.
Then i saw it.
As she was stacking her chips, she was setting some of them aside. Once she stacked them all, she'd pick up the ones she put aside, and start cleaning that disturbing/disgusting black crud that builds up on them off. So now I know what the guy meant by chip cleaner.
After she scraped about 5 chips with her long manicured nails, SHE LICKED THE BLACK CRAP OF HER NAILS AND ATE IT!
I sat there staring in utter shock/disgust and horror. the dealer had to top me on the shoulder to get me to fold my next hand as my mind was reeling at what I had just seen.
After she wins the next pot and starts to do it again I start feeling physically ill as she swallows another nail full of chip munge.
"
"
I was playing 1-2 at Winstar in Oklahoma. I get seated, and as I'm waiting for my chips, unracking, etc the guy next to me gets felted by crazy asian lady. As he gets up he mutters, "good luck with the chip cleaner"
I thought maybe he was referring to her cleaning him out of chips.
I'm not sure if this lady is crazy, high or what but it was the most insane poker I've ever seen. As soon as the dealer pushed the pot, she would announce what she was doing next hand. Like "Raise 20 before flop. I tell you, I raise 20!" and sure enough she would raise 20 before looking at her cards. Some hands she'd proclaim, "ten dollar every time" and unless someone bet bigger, that's what she would do. unless someone re-raised her big she wouldn't even look at her cards till the turn or river.
She busted aces 4 times in 2 orbits with random cards, and had over 1000 in front of her and I'm thinking this is the greatest table ever.
Then i saw it.
As she was stacking her chips, she was setting some of them aside. Once she stacked them all, she'd pick up the ones she put aside, and start cleaning that disturbing/disgusting black crud that builds up on them off. So now I know what the guy meant by chip cleaner.
After she scraped about 5 chips with her long manicured nails, SHE LICKED THE BLACK CRAP OF HER NAILS AND ATE IT!
I sat there staring in utter shock/disgust and horror. the dealer had to top me on the shoulder to get me to fold my next hand as my mind was reeling at what I had just seen.
After she wins the next pot and starts to do it again I start feeling physically ill as she swallows another nail full of chip munge.
"
PlayerADK
Flush
Also brutal - not my story
"
Seminole Casino, Coconut Creek, Florida.
The stakes are 1/2, and the villain (in this hand in particular and life in general) is a cliché who keeps bothering the servers and everyone hates after one minute.
I'm on the button, stack is about $270, he has me covered. I'm dealt AdKd, 2 limpers, he makes it $8, I raise to $25, only he calls.
Flop comes Qh 7h 3h, he checks, I bet $35, he puts in $20. I say "it's $35 sir", he replies "well that's too much" and throws his hand away. Obviously everyone goes "you have to call", dealer says "you have to call" and gives him his cards back. I'm deciding weather to say it's a muck, but as I don't know the rules here, I choose to show strength and take an easy pot on the turn.
Turn is a 2c, he checks, I make it $65, trying not to make it obvious I'm stealing the pot, he calls and I die inside a little.
River is an obvious Jh, he ships, I finish dying and ask him if he'll show me if I fold. He agrees, I muck, he shows me AhKh for a floped nuts. I say he's the least ethical player I have ever played with and may have thrown the occasional fuc*** as*****.
He laughs, the other players laugh, the dealer says he once pulled that move with even more success.
Also, five minutes earlier the table is agreeing that online players are rude and have no manners at the poker table.
"
"
Seminole Casino, Coconut Creek, Florida.
The stakes are 1/2, and the villain (in this hand in particular and life in general) is a cliché who keeps bothering the servers and everyone hates after one minute.
I'm on the button, stack is about $270, he has me covered. I'm dealt AdKd, 2 limpers, he makes it $8, I raise to $25, only he calls.
Flop comes Qh 7h 3h, he checks, I bet $35, he puts in $20. I say "it's $35 sir", he replies "well that's too much" and throws his hand away. Obviously everyone goes "you have to call", dealer says "you have to call" and gives him his cards back. I'm deciding weather to say it's a muck, but as I don't know the rules here, I choose to show strength and take an easy pot on the turn.
Turn is a 2c, he checks, I make it $65, trying not to make it obvious I'm stealing the pot, he calls and I die inside a little.
River is an obvious Jh, he ships, I finish dying and ask him if he'll show me if I fold. He agrees, I muck, he shows me AhKh for a floped nuts. I say he's the least ethical player I have ever played with and may have thrown the occasional fuc*** as*****.
He laughs, the other players laugh, the dealer says he once pulled that move with even more success.
Also, five minutes earlier the table is agreeing that online players are rude and have no manners at the poker table.
"
MrCatPants
Full House
At my home game, just after I got my @T_Chan table...
People are admiring the table as we're playing (big upgrade from a Barrington in the garage) and one of the guys starts feeling the felt/testing the foam underneath. He says what we hear as "Wow, its firm but has just a little bit of give. It feels like a marine's c$&k."
The whole table table goes silent. After a few seconds, someone asks the obligatory "What?"
"It feels like a marine's c$&k."
Silence goes a lot longer this time. Me being the diplomat eventually says, "So I don't think I've heard that turn of phrase before. You think it feels like a penis?"
He quickly corrects that said "marine's cot."
And that my friends is how people get weird poker nicknames like "Marine c$&k"
People are admiring the table as we're playing (big upgrade from a Barrington in the garage) and one of the guys starts feeling the felt/testing the foam underneath. He says what we hear as "Wow, its firm but has just a little bit of give. It feels like a marine's c$&k."
The whole table table goes silent. After a few seconds, someone asks the obligatory "What?"
"It feels like a marine's c$&k."
Silence goes a lot longer this time. Me being the diplomat eventually says, "So I don't think I've heard that turn of phrase before. You think it feels like a penis?"
He quickly corrects that said "marine's cot."
And that my friends is how people get weird poker nicknames like "Marine c$&k"
PlayerADK
Flush
This one hurts
"
Crazy hand from a 1/3 game at Aria the other night:
I'm playing with a buddy and we're drinking and having a blast with a loose and active table. There's this one older white guy fish who raises to $20 with about half of his hands, but then he turns into a weak/passive pussy who's easy to read after the flop. As he's about 300 bbs deep, I'm looking to play as many hands with him as I can.
Fish raises UTG to $20. I've got 5
4
and call in the HJ (I've got about 200 bbs)
Both of the blinds call, as well, but I'm not paying attention to them, only the fish. I'm at one end of the table - seat 8 - and the other 3 are at the other end - seats 2, 3, and 4. My buddy is next to me, and he's telling me some kind of hooker story, so I'm only half paying attention to the hand.
FLOP ($80):
K
8
6
So I flop a gutter and a backdoor FD. I'm usually not going to put much more money into this hand, but then...
Checked to the Fish, who makes a timid, $30 bet. He's got a flush draw! See, when he makes a hand, he overbets the pot and when he wants to draw he bets small.
So I figure I'll float him on any safe card and take it away on the turn.
Well, the other two players call, as well! ****.
TURN ($200):
6
Fish leads for $50. Well, screw that. I make it $200, thinking they'll all fold.
SB folds, but before I know it, the dealer is flipping the ALL-IN card in front of the BB.
"He's all in?"
"Yep. For $3 more."
The mothereffer only had $3 behind after his flop call, but I didn't notice because he's at the other end of the table, my buddy's hooker story, and me concentrating (sorta) on the Fish. (Guess I'm the fish now!)
The the Fish tanks some, hemming and hawing, and I realize I didn't really raise big enough - so now I've made TWO stupid mistakes in the hand (three, if you count calling $20 preflop with 54)
He calls.
RIVER ($603):
J
Fish now hems and haws some more, looking back at his cards, and the pot. He looks a bit deflated. He didn't make his hand and he's trying to screw up enough courage to take a stab at it - a stab I will obviously not be able to call. But he checks.
I say screw it, I'm going to at least get that dead $396 in the pot, and I shove. LOL
Fish finally shows A
Q
and mucks.
Before I can celebrate the side-pot being pushed to me, THE SB TURBO-MUCKS HIS HAND WITHOUT SHOWING IT.
And now I get the whole pot with 5 high. Against an all-in.
Naturally, I show and the whole table erupts. Fish looks like he's about to cry. This bothered him so much, he tilted off the rest of his stack in short order.
SB is incredulous. He says, "I had pocket nines, but no way did I think it could be good." If this idiot had just shoved on the flop with his extra $3, I would not have been able to raise the turn, obviously, but for some reason, he chose to just call the flop with $3 behind.
Sometimes, you play bad and things just work out. But usually, it comes in the form of a 4-outer, or something. Not by getting an all-in to muck without showing. Heh.
"
"
Crazy hand from a 1/3 game at Aria the other night:
I'm playing with a buddy and we're drinking and having a blast with a loose and active table. There's this one older white guy fish who raises to $20 with about half of his hands, but then he turns into a weak/passive pussy who's easy to read after the flop. As he's about 300 bbs deep, I'm looking to play as many hands with him as I can.
Fish raises UTG to $20. I've got 5
Both of the blinds call, as well, but I'm not paying attention to them, only the fish. I'm at one end of the table - seat 8 - and the other 3 are at the other end - seats 2, 3, and 4. My buddy is next to me, and he's telling me some kind of hooker story, so I'm only half paying attention to the hand.
FLOP ($80):
K
So I flop a gutter and a backdoor FD. I'm usually not going to put much more money into this hand, but then...
Checked to the Fish, who makes a timid, $30 bet. He's got a flush draw! See, when he makes a hand, he overbets the pot and when he wants to draw he bets small.
So I figure I'll float him on any safe card and take it away on the turn.
Well, the other two players call, as well! ****.
TURN ($200):
6
Fish leads for $50. Well, screw that. I make it $200, thinking they'll all fold.
SB folds, but before I know it, the dealer is flipping the ALL-IN card in front of the BB.
"He's all in?"
"Yep. For $3 more."
The mothereffer only had $3 behind after his flop call, but I didn't notice because he's at the other end of the table, my buddy's hooker story, and me concentrating (sorta) on the Fish. (Guess I'm the fish now!)
The the Fish tanks some, hemming and hawing, and I realize I didn't really raise big enough - so now I've made TWO stupid mistakes in the hand (three, if you count calling $20 preflop with 54)
He calls.
RIVER ($603):
J
Fish now hems and haws some more, looking back at his cards, and the pot. He looks a bit deflated. He didn't make his hand and he's trying to screw up enough courage to take a stab at it - a stab I will obviously not be able to call. But he checks.
I say screw it, I'm going to at least get that dead $396 in the pot, and I shove. LOL
Fish finally shows A
Before I can celebrate the side-pot being pushed to me, THE SB TURBO-MUCKS HIS HAND WITHOUT SHOWING IT.
And now I get the whole pot with 5 high. Against an all-in.
Naturally, I show and the whole table erupts. Fish looks like he's about to cry. This bothered him so much, he tilted off the rest of his stack in short order.
SB is incredulous. He says, "I had pocket nines, but no way did I think it could be good." If this idiot had just shoved on the flop with his extra $3, I would not have been able to raise the turn, obviously, but for some reason, he chose to just call the flop with $3 behind.
Sometimes, you play bad and things just work out. But usually, it comes in the form of a 4-outer, or something. Not by getting an all-in to muck without showing. Heh.
"
EnjoyLife
3 of a Kind
This one hurts
"
Crazy hand from a 1/3 game at Aria the other night:
I'm playing with a buddy and we're drinking and having a blast with a loose and active table. There's this one older white guy fish who raises to $20 with about half of his hands, but then he turns into a weak/passive pussy who's easy to read after the flop. As he's about 300 bbs deep, I'm looking to play as many hands with him as I can.
Fish raises UTG to $20. I've got 54and call in the HJ (I've got about 200 bbs)
Both of the blinds call, as well, but I'm not paying attention to them, only the fish. I'm at one end of the table - seat 8 - and the other 3 are at the other end - seats 2, 3, and 4. My buddy is next to me, and he's telling me some kind of hooker story, so I'm only half paying attention to the hand.
FLOP ($80):
K86
So I flop a gutter and a backdoor FD. I'm usually not going to put much more money into this hand, but then...
Checked to the Fish, who makes a timid, $30 bet. He's got a flush draw! See, when he makes a hand, he overbets the pot and when he wants to draw he bets small.
So I figure I'll float him on any safe card and take it away on the turn.
Well, the other two players call, as well! ****.
TURN ($200):
6
Fish leads for $50. Well, screw that. I make it $200, thinking they'll all fold.
SB folds, but before I know it, the dealer is flipping the ALL-IN card in front of the BB.
"He's all in?"
"Yep. For $3 more."
The mothereffer only had $3 behind after his flop call, but I didn't notice because he's at the other end of the table, my buddy's hooker story, and me concentrating (sorta) on the Fish. (Guess I'm the fish now!)
The the Fish tanks some, hemming and hawing, and I realize I didn't really raise big enough - so now I've made TWO stupid mistakes in the hand (three, if you count calling $20 preflop with 54)
He calls.
RIVER ($603):
J
Fish now hems and haws some more, looking back at his cards, and the pot. He looks a bit deflated. He didn't make his hand and he's trying to screw up enough courage to take a stab at it - a stab I will obviously not be able to call. But he checks.
I say screw it, I'm going to at least get that dead $396 in the pot, and I shove. LOL
Fish finally shows AQand mucks.
Before I can celebrate the side-pot being pushed to me, THE SB TURBO-MUCKS HIS HAND WITHOUT SHOWING IT.
And now I get the whole pot with 5 high. Against an all-in.
Naturally, I show and the whole table erupts. Fish looks like he's about to cry. This bothered him so much, he tilted off the rest of his stack in short order.
SB is incredulous. He says, "I had pocket nines, but no way did I think it could be good." If this idiot had just shoved on the flop with his extra $3, I would not have been able to raise the turn, obviously, but for some reason, he chose to just call the flop with $3 behind.
Sometimes, you play bad and things just work out. But usually, it comes in the form of a 4-outer, or something. Not by getting an all-in to muck without showing. Heh.
"
Wow!!!
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