No joke, I laughed WAYYYY to hard at the OP.
I have a similar pet, he is scared shitless of loud cars, motorcycles, thunder etc.
we got him one of these thunder shirts http://www.thundershirt.com/ Its used as a coddling device. We usually put it on him when we know there is a storm on the way
I couldnt recommend the thundershirt anymore btw, it can also be used to calm dogs down if they are too hyper